By Debbie Weir
When grandparents experience the death of a grandchild, they must grieve even as they help their own children cope with the loss.
Cathy Hefflinger and Barb Anderson understand grief. In fact, they understand a particularly debilitating grief many people never consider, few books have been written about and hardly anyone discusses.
It is a sorrow that cuts to the core of one’s being. An upwelling of suffering that brings frustration, helplessness, guilt and anger.
It is the death of your child’s child, your grandchild. It’s unbearable because it is two-sided—bringing with it the pain of your grandchild’s death and the innate urge as a parent to protect your own child from the pain of grief.
But grandparents who experience this double-edged grief don’t have to suffer in silence. They can be a tremendous source of strength for their children, while helping themselves along in their own healing journey.
Trying to take away the hurt
As a parent, you have an inherent instinct to protect your children from harm and pain. And throughout their lives, you do just that. You kiss away the pain of a scraped knee, wipe away the tears of a broken heart and arm them with love as they venture into the world.
But when your child is suddenly facing the pain brought on by the death of his or her child, it can leave you feeling helpless. It is a pain that you, as a parent, cannot fix. And at the same time, it is a pain that you, as a grandparent, are sharing.
Forgotten grievers
Cathy and Barb, devoted parents and grandparents, understand this unbearable pain and helplessness. They live it and see it in their children’s eyes.
Just ask Cathy. On a warm June afternoon in 2002, Cathy’s daughter Teresa Bilow had her two little girls, Cassie, 8, and Abby, 5, buckled safely in the back seat. The three were headed to a family get-together when a drunk driver slammed his van into their car.
Teresa climbed over the back seat to get to the girls. Cassie appeared to be in critical condition, and Teresa attempted mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on her. Despite her efforts, Cassie died. Abby was airlifted to a nearby trauma hospital. She suffered a broken jaw and various cuts and abrasions. Teresa suffered a broken ankle and other minor injuries.
“Teresa told me, ‘Mom, as I held Cassie in my arms and felt her slipping away, time stood perfectly still,’” Cathy says. “Where are the answers to that? What are the comforting words? I felt absolutely helpless.”
Pain from both sides
According to Margaret H. Gerner, author of For Bereaved Grandparents, a supportive booklet published by the Centering Corporation, the overwhelming frustration and helplessness bereaved grandparents feel are caused by the knowledge that this is one pain that can’t just be “kissed away.”
Bereaved grandparents who watch their once carefree children struggle with sorrow and pain may wonder, “Where is my power now? Where is my bag of tricks that will make it all better?”
Barb’s son, Mark, his wife, Michelle, and their three children, Ryan, 2, Julieanne, 4, and Emily, 9, were sledding when tragedy struck. As Ryan was sledding down the hill, an impaired driver snowmobiling in a restricted area crashed into him. The whole family witnessed the horrifying crash.
“Ryan died in my son’s arms,” Barb says. “That memory is hard for him to live with, and it brings him so much pain. There seem to be no words of comfort when your son says, ‘If only I hadn’t taken him sledding that day, maybe he would still be with us.’ You feel so helpless because there doesn’t seem to be anything you can do that will make a difference.”
According to Gerner, a grandparent’s grief is like a fork with two tines—one representing the loss of a grandchild, the other representing the pain of your own child’s suffering. You must work through your own grief, and, at the same time, help your bereaved child work through his or her grief. The two paths are complicated because you have to deal with them simultaneously.
“I feel that grandparents suffer a double grief,” Cathy says. “Every day is new because you don’t know what to expect. Is Teresa going to have a good day or bad day? Will I focus on her today or will I focus on my grief today?”
According to Gerner, as a parent of a grieving child, you have the opportunity to help in ways no one else can—you can make a difference.
Listen to your bereaved child
Bereaved parents need to talk about their child, and they need someone who will listen and not feel uncomfortable.
It can be difficult to listen to someone who is ravaged with grief. And often, we can get too preoccupied thinking about what we are going to say to offer comfort. For many people, there is an overwhelming need to alleviate the agony of the grief. The motive is noble but the method is wrong. Rather than doing all the talking, allowing the brokenhearted person to talk can actually go further in helping to heal his or her spirit.
“I worry about my son because sometimes he doesn’t open up about his feelings,” Barb says. “He’s trying to be strong for everyone else. He seems more comfortable talking to me through e-mail and instant messaging. I’m fine with that because it’s possible to listen through other forms of communication.”
According to Gerner, if you really listen, you’ll understand, and listening is not filling every silence. Listening is the greatest gift you can give your child.
“Sometimes it’s hard because I want to step right in and take care of everything for Teresa,” Cathy says, “but it’s not my place. There are times when there are no words, and that’s OK because it’s more important to be there and listen.”
Talk about your grandchild
Gerner says that talking about your grandchild tells your child that you care. If tears come, it’s because they’re sad, not because their child’s name was brought up. It can be painful, but talking about the child is healing and therapeutic.
“We talk about Cassie all the time,” Cathy says. “You almost feel disoriented, but talking can help. You talk even though you know there are no answers.
“It also helps to remember that there is no timetable for grief. Sometimes there are too many expectations regarding how or when someone is grieving. Don’t expect too much of your grieving child, his or her spouse, or yourself.
“The hurt is so deep, you wonder how you’re going to climb out of it,” Barb says. “But you do, and you begin to see your child start to live again. That’s when you know there is hope with faith.”
Consider your needs and those of your bereaved child
A grandparent’s grief may not be recognized by his or her own child or others, but it is definitely there. It is vital for bereaved grandparents to give themselves permission to grieve and to focus on their own needs.
Grandparents often are referred to as “the forgotten grievers.” They think they should cope better, have all the answers, control the situation and be a role model. But these types of expectations are unrealistic and unhealthy.
Survival guilt and anger
No one expects to outlive his own children, much less his grandchildren. And, according to Gerner, reactions of guilt and anger often are intermingled. In fact, grandparents often experience survival guilt because it seems unnatural for a grandparent to outlive his or her grandchild, and they often express the wish that they “could change places” with the deceased child.
Then there are the haunting questions. “Why didn’t I baby-sit every time I was asked?” Why didn’t I spend more time with the baby?”
“Faith really helps to sustain me during the frustrating time of asking why,” Barb says. “There are no answers to those questions.”
Hope for a better day
Bereaved grandparents learn to live without their grandchildren, but there always will be the “might have beens.” That is absolutely normal.
“Cassie’s death has been absolutely devastating, but my daughter gives me inspiration,” Cathy says with admiration. “I try to be strong for her, but she is truly the strong one. Teresa and Mark are our guides and we follow them, instead of us trying to lead them.”
“Sometimes, I wish I could bring Ryan back, but I can’t,” Barb says. “You think the suffering will never end, but with time, faith and support, you continue to make it through each day.”
Each day, bereaved grandparents look for a little ray of sunshine to show on their bereaved child’s face. As time goes by and the healing process begins, a ray of hope will shine on your child’s face in his or her smile. There always will be a part of each of you that is gone, but in time you can learn to live with the part that is still there.
The above article was written by Debbie Weir, MADD National Director of Victim Services. http://www.madd.org It was reproduced here with MADD’s permission.
When my Granddaughter Nadia passed away I saw a miracle happen. Nadia told us that she was going to die. We heard her but did not beleive it. In less than a year she passed away with a brain tumor. Nadia is an angel. Even the day she passed away I saw so many miracles. I would like to share the miracles with those who are greiving from loosing a child then you will know there is a God in Heaven.
We just recently lost our beautiful granddaughter. She was hit by a car while running to get in shape for a big race.It was NOT her fault. The man said he must have fallen asleep!! He was NOT supposed to be driving as he lost his license for D.U.I.
We are hurting so bad!
It is hard to believe she is gone! She had a job as a spanish teacher in S.C.
Thank you for giving me this space to let you know about this..
Jon Painter
My Prayers are with you and your family.
Thank you for writing an article on the loss of a grandchild. My six week old granddaugher, Ava Lola, recently passed away to SIDS. Dealing with the pain in my son & daughter-in-laws eyes has been harder for me than my own grief and loss of our little girl. This article said exactly what I’m dealing with…I want to fix it for them and there’s nothing I can do but reassure them that she is truly an Angel now:)
Cheryl Rondeau
Naples, FL.
WE LOST MY GRANDSON IN OCT 2007. HE HAD CEREBAL PALSEY AND A SEIZURE DISORDER,HE WAS 15 YRS OLD. MY DAUGHTER DIDN’T THINK I HAD A RIGHT TO GRIEVE. SHE TOLD ME MOTHERS PAIN TRUMPS GRANDMOTHERS PAIN. SHE NEVER REALIZED THAT PART OF MY PAIN WAS WATCHING MY CHILD GO THRU THE LOSS OF A CHILD. IT WAS HEARTBREAKING. WE LOST EACH OTHER ALSO. WE HAVEN’T SPOKE FOR OVER A YEAR. THANK YOU FOR YOUR ARTICLE.
We lost our baby granddaughter on June 26th to SIDS. She missed her 1st birthday by 13 days, and she was our 9th grandchild. The pain is intense, and is coupled with the pain of watching my son and his wife go through this. I have no bag of tricks to help this for them. Your articel was very helpful-thanks!
I have been searching the internet for something to help deal with the pain of losing my beautiful 3yr old granddaughter only 3 months ago. The pain is so intense. As a parent I’m supposed to protect my son I can’t and I feel helpless.
Thank you for sharing your grief, my thoughts are with you and your family..know you’ve helped me today…
We just lost our two beautiful granddaughters (ages 3 & 4) in a tragic house fire. To have it happen so unexpectedly is especially hard to understand. I pray we can help our son and remaining grandson get through this difficult time. Thanks for letting me share. God Bless You All.
I lost my beloved 6 month old grandson, Will, to a very rare form of cancer. He was diagnosed at the age of 8 weeks and battled for four months before earning his angel wings. It has been so hard on me. I mourn the loss grandson – all my hopes and dreams for him are gone. I also grieve for my son ( my baby) who has lost his baby. No mother wants to see her child hurting, no matter how old that child is. My son and daughter-in-law are amazing. Their philosophy is that cancer took enough from our family; it will not take anymore. They have been strong for their two other little boys and have set up a foundation to in memory of Will. Our family has adopted a “new normal” but I miss the way things used to be.
We lost our beautiful grandson last September at 4 month due to a virus. He passed away within 24 hours of being admitted to hospital, just 3 days after developing a mild cold. It was such a shock that I am still have some very difficult days. My daughter and son-in-law are doing ok, they don’t seem to show any emotion in front of us, although I know my daughter has some very difficult days. I ask her how she is coping and she says, what else am I to do. It breaks my heart.
My daughter had twins, one girl healthy. the boy twin, jack had HLHP, a sever heart deformity that we later learned is the most comon birth defect. He was in the CCICU for 7 months, two open heart surgeries, abdominal kidney dialisys, intubated the entire time, blood transfushions into his head artery, shunts, so much pain medication he had to be detoxed because the pain medication stopped working. He could not even be held because of all the equipment. Finally after the second heart surgery, i saw his eyes pop open and they did not track. i knew he was brain dead. My daughter had to decide to turn off the machines, and held him while he died. I live in RI she lives in NC. Often her husband would not let me go to NC to see my grandson and I NEVER held hem. I was not there when he died, My daughter was Alone. When I did go my daughter cried on my shoulder telling me her spouse told her to “stop blubbering” !! He was cold and NEVER cried and let her express her emotions. I was there about five time though out the seven months. I suffered more pain watching my daughter cry and suffer than watching my grand son suffer.
I will be one year this September 6, my grandson died. My son in law wants to be alone, and asked me NOT to go to NC. I am in so much pain, I feel like I could break in half!! My daughter is a good person, she is suffering and I can NOT do a thing to hold and help her during the aniversary day. She does have Sarah (the surviving twin) and a 6 year old son. I took care of Sarah for the first three months of her life. I am also denied a lot of axcess to her. My arms feel empty. I bonded with Sarah. griefing is NOT easy and at this point I see no ending.
On May 22 my 18 year old grandson was killed in a auto accident. It still seems unreal to me. His parent are divorced and now remarried to new spouses, so I have 3 other sets of Grandparents involved in the loss. 2 families strugglying, my ex-daughter-in-law is getting help and talking. My Son is distant and not sharing anything with me, this has been almost unbearable, but God is in control an each day will bring new ways to cope. God Bless you for caring about the “forgotten” grieve of grandparents.
I tell people all the time I cry just as many tears for what my daughter has to go through as for the loss of my beautiful granddaghter. She was the first grandbaby, named if honor of me, and I cry everyday for the loss that this whole family has had to endure.
Thank you for posting this article. We lost our 8 month old grandson to SIDS on October 27th. The “double grief” is nearly overwhelming.
I lost my grand daughter almost 3 years ago,she was 3 days shy of being amonth old. He mother was drinking and took the baby to bed with her,she rolled over and smothered her in her sleep.Although the coronor’s office said it was sids on the birth cetificate,they could not find anything wrong with her. I have a very hard time time dealing with my grand daughter’s mother,I cannot even stand to be i the same room with her. Everytime I think I have healed, I go thru weeks at a time where all I want to do is cry. We,(my husband and I),promised that baby girl, that we would never let anything bad happen to her, and we failed, how do you get past that? How do I get past this unbearable grief??
We lost our 5 year old grandaughter 2 wks ago to heart disease. She was a beautiful, inspirational child who made the world a better place for everyone who had the priviledge of meeting her. She was progressing so well but just stopped breathing. The pain for my husband and me is unbearable..and watching our son and his wife grieve is almost too hard for us to handle. We feel that we can do nothing to help them..how will we ever get through Christmas?
I lost my precious youngest grandaughter in August of this year, she was 4 1/2 years old. She died in a car accident. I hurt so much for my son, she was his life. I find it so hard to talk to him when he comes for a visit, as I’m unable to control my tears. Therefore, I feel that he doesn’t come as often or phone as he doesn’t want to upset me. It’s so difficult for him also, as he usually had her with him when he came to visit. I really need to communicate more with him, but not sure what to do. I do call him if I haven’t heard from him for awhile, he doesn’t always return my calls. Him and his wife were separated, so he is alone. How does one cope with such a loss? I know we have to talk about her, but when I do, or if someone else does, I start crying. I’m trying to be strong for my son’s sake, but at the same time feel like I’m losing him too. As others have said, the double grief is overwhelming.
I know your pain of not feeling like you can help your son with his own pain. We lost my 8 year old grandson in a freak hunting accident in Nov. My son said “when you lose a grandparent, aunt, or parent, you lose your past, but losing my son….. I’ve lost my future”. How painful. I don’t think we have to be strong all the time, but need to try to hold it together when with our sons. I’ll pray for both of us and our sons!
In April of 2010 my daughter gave birth to a beautiful baby they named Violette. She was perfect, big eyes, dark hair and cute as a button. A day after taking her home my daughter got a call from the doctors saying that she needed to get Violette to the childrens hospital as soon as possiable because some blood work they had taken came back and didn’t look good. Within hours we learned that Violette had Leukemia-AML. We did not see it coming and we were all in shock. They did chemo, blood trans, kidney dialysis, she looked like the the million dollar baby with all the machines.We took turns staying the nights so that she was never alone, we played music, read her books, and prayed. It hurt my heart to watch my daughter and her boyfriend stand next to Violette’s crib and see the hurt in their eyes. Violette fought hard but after 44 days she lost her fight and bacame a angel on June 3, 2010. These past 8 months have been the hardest months of my life and I miss her everyday.
This site is so helpful. Though no one can tell us how to not be in so much pain, it let me know that I am not losing my mind. In November of 2010, my 8 year old grandson passed away after an accident at his dad’s hunting camp. An A-frame that was built to hoist a deer for cleaning, was pulled over and hit my grandson in the back of the head. He was in the hospital for 9 days before he passed. I can’t seem to help my son and daughter in law as I am in such pain and I fear totally breaking down in front of them. I also am so very angry at the man who did not take the time to do the safety check and actually pulled the pipe on to my Grandson. He has children of his own and can hug his children. My christian upbringing tells me to forgive him and also to know that my grandson in “in a better place” but I want him here. The pain is so horrible. HOW do you deal with it? I am a single parent and have no family nearby except my daughter and she is so busy with her husband and his children.
My grandson passed away about a month ago and I am struggling to keep things together. I miss him so much as I used to baby sit him lots. He was a special little boy and I thought we would have him for a long time not a short time. He was 17 months old and he passed away while he was with me. He was born with brain damage and struggled his 17months of life. We were building a home to suit his needs now the house is not longer important and I have such a loss there. I seem to cry a lot now.