By Roy Klein
Talk about discriminatory treatment!
It’s become perfectly acceptable for women to use tasteless, slang terminology for the male sexual organ as a way for them to disparage us. If they think we’re acting like jerks, they won’t hesitate to call us “dickheads,” “schmucks” or “putzes.” If they feel what we just said was stupid, they label us “weenies.” If we’re being mean, we become “pricks.”
Ever try to say something to a woman that might be just a tad forward? The response is this: “You have some set of balls, fella!” And, if you’re a bit of a dork, they’ll roll their eyes and say, “What a tool.”
Social or mental deficiencies
Women also love to equate a guy’s perceived social or mental deficiencies with his manhood. “Of course he doesn’t understand. He’s a man. He’s got that thing between his legs.” Or, “Typical man. Thinking with his little head instead of his big head.”
The “C” word
In stark contrast, use of the “C” word to describe a woman is strictly forbidden. An absolute no-no. Completely taboo. It’s such a bad word that I can’t even bring myself to spell it out here, and this is my own stupid essay!
Any man ballsy enough to utter the word to a woman may not be ballsy for much longer. He’d be branded a male chauvinist pig and a misogynist. The punishment? His “little head” could be lobotomized. Or, even worse, he could be sentenced to the silent treatment for an indefinite period.
Why the double standard?
Although I’m not a woman, I’ve lived among them and studied their mysterious ways for my entire life. And I have a theory:
Despite the Women’s Liberation Movement and the Sexual Revolution, many women remain uncomfortable with their own sexuality and, therefore, with their own sexual organs. Some are shy or inhibited. Others feel inferior or sexually inadequate.
So when any man calls them a c—, they take it as the most horrible insult possible – like their very beings are under attack. They react passionately, because we’ve pushed their hot buttons
Caution: Read slowly. More bad puns ahead
Okay, you might wonder, but why do they feel the need to hit us men below the belt? It’s a defense mechanism. They try to over-compensate for their own inadequacies by lashing out at us.
Penis envy
This could be left over from the condition that Freud called “penis envy” – Freud believed that some little girls of his day subconsciously wished they had penises (or is the plural “peni”?) because they recognized that boys received preferential treatment and felt that there was no real difference between boys and girls except for that magic organ.
Jabs at our private parts
What women fail to realize is that their efforts to insult men through scatological jabs at our private parts generally backfire. Men enjoy such blow jobs (I warned you). That’s because, unlike women, most of us are extremely proud of our genitalia. “What’s that, ma’am? I’m a dick? Why thank you for noticing!” “Flattery will get you nowhere, my dear, but – if I do say so myself – my balls are quite impressive indeed.”
Tiny (aaaah!)
In fact, there are only two ways to insult a man sex organ-ically. Calling him a pussy, which suggests that he doesn’t have a penis at all. Or using the most dreaded adjective in a man’s lexicon – “tiny” – to modify words like “dick,” “prick” or “weenie.”
The double standard solution
The solution to this double standard is for women to engage in a vagina dialogue and convince themselves and each other that they should react to the “C” word in the same way that men react to women’s pubic insults. This shouldn’t be too difficult. After all, men crave women’s c—s. They’re a source of tremendous pleasure.
A college English professor of mine even speculated that the “C” word derived from the word “quaint,” meaning “strange in an interesting or pleasing way.”
Nether ye
And Chaucer, in his bawdy “The Miller’s Tale,” referred to the vagina as a “nether ye” (i.e., lower eye). The eyes are said to be the windows to one’s soul, so the lower eye must enable us to see other secret parts of a woman’s spirit.
Looking for a tougher persona, ladies?
Consider the myth of the “vagina dentata” – a toothed vagina that bites off any penises bold enough to enter.
The bottom line is this:
Women should proudly look at their genitalia as extensions of themselves – desirable, yet mysterious; warm and inviting, but a little dark and dangerous; enigmatic and inscrutable. Sounds so good, I think I’d like to join the club myself. How do I become a member?
Seriously, though, next time a man hurls the “C” word at you, Ms., respond with something like this: “Very observant, sonny. Thanks for the compliment.” That should cut him down to size – from a big dick to a teeny weeny. <<
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Well put! Clever yet tasteful. Just think what might happen if we women were as proud of and fascinated with our equipment as most men seem to be. Men would never have to guess what we like or where we like it. Such uninhibited fun! I enjoyed reading your essay! Thanks.