Warning: Retirement can be Stressful

By Deborah Nedelman, Ph.D

Jill looked so forlorn when I first saw her in the waiting room, I thought she was in need of grief counseling. Instead, I learned that Jill’s husband of 35 years was still very much alive and actually quite healthy, but their relationship which had been a source of loving support and sexual delight had become a burden that she was struggling to bear.

Post-retirement-nightmare

“I really still love Jack, but I don’t know how much longer I can stand this. He just hangs around the house all day long waiting for me to suggest something to do. I’m busy, he doesn’t have a life; we barely speak. Ever since he retired it’s been like this.”

Adapting to change

After Jill had filled in the details of her story, I sighed and nodded. As a therapist who has worked with couples for over 30years, this sad scenario, the ‘post-retirement nightmare’, was too familiar. Jill and Jack had talked some about life after retirement. They had looked forward to traveling, to having time to spend with their grandkids, to playing a little more golf together. But they had never considered how the rhythm of their life would change, nor how their relationship would be affected.

Easy decision to retire

Jill had loved her career as a teacher, but when she reached 60 she found the decision to retire was easy for her; she had so many finished projects at home, so many friends she wanted to spend more time with, so many places she wanted to visit.

Unprepared emotionally

Jack had also enjoyed his work as an insurance broker, but mostly he saw it was a means to an end. And that end was a financially secure retirement. He didn’t spend much time with friends of his own, nor did he have any true hobbies that brought him any pleasures. So when the time came and Jill and Jack found themselves without the structure that their work lives had provided, they were unprepared – not financially, but emotionally.

Happy yet stressful times

Retirement can be the best time of life, it is true. But it also put new stresses on long-term relationships, the kind of stresses that can lead to depression, Illness and even divorce.

Imagined delights

When we think about retirement we tend to focus on the imagined delights of not having to wake up to an alarm each morning or having the freedom to pick up and go traveling whenever the mood strikes. These types of life changes are easy to enjoy, but unless we do a little relationship preparation, we can find that they do not bring the full measure of delight we had hoped.

Preparing your relationship for retirement

Preparing your relationship for retirement requires some dedicated time and attention, but those couples who are wise enough to doing it, maximize their chances for a future that looks and feels like the one they have dreamed about. As Jill learned, doing a little preventive work, you can keep your communication flowing and work together to reduce the shocks that this major life change can create in your relationship.

Tips for Success

Here are a few steps that can help you begin the preparation process. First consider each one of your own, let yourself really think about it, maybe even take some notes. Then have a conversation in which you each describe your own reactions. This conversation takes time, honesty, and willingness to listen.

1. Take time to value your assets. What are the aspects of your relationship that you most value today? What do you most appreciate about your partner?
2. Take stock of your fantasies. What do you imagine your relationship will feel like after retirement? Consider your hopes and needs in terms of companionship, sex and emotional connection.
3. Take a good look at your fears. Are there aspects of your relationship that that trouble you now? What do you imagine will happen to them in your post retirement years?
4. Invest in your relationship future – create a plan together. Be flexible and creative. If your fantasies are very different from those of your partner, consider if they are really incompatible if they can co-exist. Acknowledge the strengths in your relationship that can help you address your fears.

None of these steps can be accomplished in a single conversation. The process of preparing your relationship for retirement is an ongoing one that builds equity and security over time.

Deborah Nedelman, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist and author of “Guide to Beginning Psychotherapists”, with J. Zaro, R. Barach, and I Dreiblatt and “Still Sexy After All these Years: The 9 unspoken Truths about Women’s Desire Beyond 50?, with L. Kliger.

A comment from Dr. Joel Block

I guess I am rigid on this one. My view is that retirement is like choosing to take a seat in death’s waiting room for most people. The equation goes like this: Retirement=losing purpose and meaning in life. Once that occurs, start planning the funeral.

Okay, that’s an elite position; some people navigate retirement and the challenge to their relationship very well. They counter the refrain–for better or worse, but not for lunch quite well. But, in my view, if you handle the third act of life effectively, you never retire, you just shift the focus.

In other words, you have a different involvement that keeps you vital, that you share with your partner, at least by talking about your challenge, and you have something that keeps you excited, a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Joel Block, Ph.D. is a psychologist and author of nearly twenty books on relationships and sexuality. His website is www.drblock.com.