By The Foundation for Grandparenting
An increasing number of grandparents are becoming step-grandparents. A recent study noted that one third of grandparents interviewed had at least one step-grandchild. Most grandparents “acquire” step-grandchildren when their own children re-marry, or when they themselves re-marry.
Stepfamilies
The Stepfamily Foundation reports that stepfamilies are growing by approximately 50,000 people a month. Each day 1,300 couples with children under 18 remarry. Seven million children, or one out of six, live in a stepfamily. Remarriage of parent(s) can potentially involve the addition of four step-grandparents for a child.
Wicked stepmother syndrome does not apply
Happily, when we ask children about step-grandparents, the old “wicked stepmother” tag doesn’t seem to apply. Researchers Furstenburg and Spanier asked twenty-five newly remarried subjects how their children and stepchildren got along with their spouse’s parents (step-grandparents). The step-grandchildren’s views were reported to be essentially positive. Three out of ten step-grandchildren saw their step-grandparents at least once weekly.
Tips for step-grandparents
When the time and circumstances are right, most children can accept a step-grandparent. After all, the more people a child has to love, the better. When it works, a wonderful bond is formed for life between child and step-grandparent. But often, it isn’t easy to make it work.
Multiple factors are involved
Factors like the timing (early or late in the life of the family) of the entrance of the step-grandparent; the age of the child (the younger the better); the conditions that create the step-grandparenting scenario (death of a spouse, divorce, prison, etc.) and the relationships of the adults in the family picture, peace and understanding, hate, etc.) affect the acceptance by the child of the step-grandparent.
To be effective, step-grandparents need to be informed of how this process works. Often the step-grand-parent’s idea of how things will be do not match the reality of the situation. New step-grandparents must be sensitive to other people. For example, a new stepmother of a teen-age girl will have a hard time no matter what. Children accord step-grandparents little authority—Step-grandparents of adolescents have a hard time when they have to assume any of the “police” function teenagers need.)
Understanding the dynamics
Step-grandparents can get important clues about how to act from understanding the dynamics of the conditions that made them step-grandparents in the first place.
For example, if the child has no living grandparents, or lacks a grandparent of the same sex of the step-grandparent, the step-grandparent can easily enter the place in the child’s heart as a beloved elder. After all there is no competition. When this works well it also deepens the bond between the biological grandparent married to the step-grandparent because they have the love of the children in common.
It can get complicated
On the other hand, if the child has living grandparents the step-grandparent can be an important and loving friend — a value added to the youngster’s life. But the step-grandparent has to be sensitive, letting the youngster come to the step-grandparent and being aware of existing grandparent-grandchild relationships as well as what is happening in the family. There might be jealousy, envy and more. The effective step-grandparent must be a friend to everyone. No easy task.
The impact of divorce and remarriage
If a divorce and remarriage occurred, the tone of the relationship between the divorced parties impacts greatly on the acceptance of the step-grandparent into the system. For example if the step-grandparent is the “other” person in a divorce, the abandoned spouse will certainly not want to allow this “other” person near his or her grandchildren. Unfortunately, when this happens grandchildren can become pawns in the battle.
The timing and readiness factor
“Timing” and the “readiness” of the child to accept another person is the most important criteria for step-grandparent to assess before they step into the lives of children. For example, if the mother dies, and the father remarries, it may take a long time for the child to accept the stepmother walking in the mother’s shoes.
Being available
Therefore it is best if the step-grandparent is an available friend, without any needs of his or her own for emotional attachment to the child.
A childless man or woman, for example, who might want a close relationship quickly and has a personal need for the child to love them, must learn to put themselves in the child’s shoes and not take the child’s actions (like openness and loyalties) or what the chills says, personally. In other words, step-grand-parents should try to be as selfless as possible. Emotional maturity is required.
Take your time
Step-grandparents shouldn’t try to rush things. They are well advised to wait in the family wings before entering a child’s life. Many step-grandchildren have to deal with profound psychological issues such as divided loyalties, trying to comprehend the circumstances leading to the remarriage of the child’s custodial parent, working through the dissolution of the parent’s marriage, and trying to make sense of a new family configuration.
A lot to ask
This is a tall order, and the last thing a child needs is to be expected to have an instant relationship with step-grandparents. In fact, the children may even resent you at first because they see you as a “party-crasher” in their once secure family life.
5 watchwords
Consequently, the watchwords for successful step-grandparenting are:
1. patience,
2. support,
3. loving,
4. caring
5. being non-competitive.
Eventually, if you have step-grandchildren, you can be a new friend and a new person for them to love.
Just be careful to let your new wards come to you. Be there for them when they are ready. Be consistent and reliable. Remember, don’t try to win them over, and certainly don’t try to buy their love with gifts.
They need the essence of you, and in time you will become an important person in their lives. Children have no built-in limit to the amount of people they can love. As a step-grandparent, you extend the child’s intergenerational support system, and everyone benefits as a result.
Well worth doing
Effective step-grandparenting is an art, and can be a source of revelation, great joy and wonder for those who undertake this role with sensitivity, tenderness and compassion. <<
This article was made available by “The Foundation for Grandparenting,” a not-for-profit charitable organization. www.grandparenting.org
My daughter had a baby 3 months ago-my first grandchild. I am divorced (8 years) and remarried as is my ex-husband. I am called Nona, her in-laws are called Grandma and Poppa, my ex is called Grandpa and his wife of 4 years wanted to be called granny-g (her first initial). My husband of 7 years is being called by his first name as per my daughters request. My daughter feels that her father’s wife should not have a name or title that suggests “grandma”. She wants her baby to have 2 grandmothers and 2 grandfathers and no more. It is not that my daughter doesn’t like his wife (there have never been problems between them) she just wants to do what she feels is right. My ex is holding strong on this and is not seeing my daughter’s point of view. He says giving his wife a “non-grandma” type name means she is not recognizing that he is married and that she is being disrespectful to both of them! My daughter even suggested several nicknames (variations of her first name) since she did not want to be called by her first name. However, he told my daughter that his wife is the baby’s step-grandmother and will, in the very least, be called “step-grandmother” and that my daughter should show him more respect since he was the one that raised her (she went to live with him when she was 14). This whole thing has my daughter devastated, she cannot believe that her father will not give in to her. She now refuses to call him and has not taken the baby to see him. I feel he is being insensitve to my daughter’s needs and I feel that it is her baby so she should have the final say. How can I convince my ex to do what is right for his daughter and first grandchild? He may end up losing his relationship with both of them over a name, shouldn’t that be enough reason to have his wife accept a non-grandma type name? After all it is just a name.
Marsaida
I agree with your daughter that there should only be 2 grandmothers & 2 grandfathers and no more. It isn’t about excluding the step-grandparents at all nor like/dislike even an issue but gives the actual grandparents a special place of honor for their grandchildren. The grandchildren should call the step-grandparents by their first names (or whatever nicknames other than Grandma/Grandpa…) and when old enough will also know that they are married to their grandmother or grandfather and give respect as married to their grandmother or grandfather. I believe that having 8 (or anything additional than the original 4) would be more confusing to particularly younger grandchildren. Let the real grandparents have those special titles that only they should have and keep the married spouses to the original grandparents as that only. I feel your ex-husband is not considering the title of the real grandparents at all. His wife should not even want to be considered a grandparent as she isn’t but married to the grandfather of those children!
Well, this is just my personal opinion, but I tend to feel that your daughter is sending her step mother a very clear message. “You are an outsider and will remain and outsider”
Pray tell what would it hurt the infant to grow up having 6 or seven grandparents, a child should be so lucky to have so many people to love them and care for them..
We are speaking of an ifant here that is going to have to deal with each extended family and to have the child learn to call your new husband or your ex’s new wife by their first names is setting them aside and actually showing a disrespect for their role in the relationship. It is telling the child from the get go that they are not worthy of the same respect as the child’s bio grandparents. This is wrong, as I am sure that the step grandparents are going to be expected to babysit, attend birthday parties, buy christmas gifts, contribute to college funds etc….
Your daughter has some resentment issues of her own that she needs to work on before she transfers these to her child.
It would be my advice to let the bio grandparents decide what they want to be called as yes they should have first choice at granny or ganddad or what ever, but give the step grandparents a little respect also by then allowing them to decide for themselves what they would like to be called by the child and then teach the child from the get go to show them respect by honoring their wishes. To do it any other way is showing that you the parent have not learned to respect the role of the step parent in your life.
Your comment that an “infant have 6 or seven grandparents, a child should be so lucky to have so many people to love them and care for them” may be true for persons but there were only 2 mothers and 2 fathers that bore those parents and then outsiders want to claim a title after marrying in to the family after the grandchildren are born is ridiculous. What is wrong with the grandchildren calling the spouses to their actual grandmothers or grandfathers be called by their first names? They still can love those grandchildren too but keep the grandchildren aware of who their “actual” grandparents are with their titles. Why confuse them? …just love them too without the title needing to be attached and not deserving.
Terrific work! This is the type of information that should be shared around the web. Shame on the search engines for not positioning this post higher!
I have a grand-daughter who I am raising. My question is, if grandparents divorce and one of them is a step grand-parent should that step grand-parent stop seeing or visisting the grand-child. This child has know the step grand-mother since she was born and has alwways called her mamaw. The child loves her so very much and crys to see her. She is only 5 years old but the real grandfather wants the step grand-mother to not see the child. Any advice?
Why is it so hard for people to love? The grandfather is not the one who has a gap in his heart because of the loss of the beloved grandmother. Children love so freely, they don’t understand the boundaries that are drawn. It is not the child’s fault the married did not work; that belongs to the adults. I would encourage you to let your grand-daughter see mamaw. She will be happy to see her, and isn’t that the cry of your heart, that your grand-daughter be loved and cherished?
When a “step” grandparent divorces a grandparent, the ties should be cut with the grandchildren especially at a younger age & explained that they no longer live in the same house. I would find it very difficult for the original grandparent to have to be around his/her ex as very difficult and unnecessary. If you divorce the spouse and you are a “step” with any of her/his family, then you need to cut ties with his/her family too. Why confuse especially younger children? A divorce is a divorce especially in a “step” situation.
I have three grown children, all married with children, nine of them. My first husband passed away in 2005, we were married for 26 years. When he passed, all of my children were on their own, with the exception of the youngest, she was in her junior year in college. I remarried a wonderful, accepting man in 2009. My son has totally embraced my husband but my daughters are having a difficult time with it. My son refers to my new husband as Poppa with his children, and they love him. He is wonderful with all of the grandchildren. My daughters, on the other hand, have decided that he is not a Poppa, the children’s Poppa is dead and they children have grandparents on their spouse’s side which is sufficient for them. I have talked with them about it, we have had heated arguments about it. I have told them I accepted their spouses as part of the family, embracing them completely – because my daughters love them..but they say it is different. I have cried many tears, when I hear my grandchildren speak of their Poppa or Grandpa, it pierces me in the heart. I do not speak of my dreams of a united family, I have been hurt so many times by their angry words, I don’t want to hurt anymore. The grandchildren range in ages 9 – 6 months; my daughters children are 5 and under. Have you experienced something similiar? Do yu have any advice?
Thank you,
I have a very confusing situation that has been a problem in my family for 40 years now. My full sister married my ex-husband following an affair that started prior to our divorce. Obviously a very difficult situation right from the start for the family. My 2 sons were at the time of their marriage ages 1 year and 4 years old. My older son married in the late 90s and their wedding program showed on my son’s side as 3 parents: My name first, then his father’s and then my sister’s (as a parent too!). I was very upset but trying to avoid showing at the wedding but did acknowledge that it was in very poor taste that my invitation was sent to my other sister’s address since I had moved a few months prior (even though my son spoke several times after my move on the telephone to me). Now after recently having the 3rd grandchild, I am having another very sensitive situation occur with my son and his South American wife having the children call the grandparents as Grandpa or Grandma (1st name) including my sister (who is, if there is such a title, would be a step-grandparent. My sister has a daughter and grandchildren of her own and does not share with her ex-husband as he has passed away when the daughter was about 8 years old. My ex-husband (and her husband now) recently had on my sister’s daughter’s wedding invitation as Mr. & Mrs. (my sister & ex-husband) and groom’s parents invite… and did not acknowledge the late father at all in the invitation. I later saw pictures only (as I was not invited even though her Aunt) with the title below as “Father and Daughter Dance.” I hold a lot of resentment with my sister and my ex-husband for the early years when I was basically tossed out of my house to find another one since my ex-husband’s family had given the money for the down-payment and I could not afford our car either with the small wages I was receiving at the time. At the same time my ex-husband was unemployed but his parents kept the payments made for the house during his unemployment. Fresh from my divorce I had 2 children (at age 22), needed to find another home to live in, another car, and my sister moved right in. I was not aware that they were even seeing each other until a week before the divorce was final, I found his car was parked at her house (she was already divorced at that time). My older son is now giving me a LOT of grief saying that I am being irrational about my sister being called, Grandma (1st name) and that there can’t be enough love in a family. I am not sure if the fact that my daughter-in-law being from South America as to whether they look at relationships differently or not. She is also a psychologist with a PhD so holds a lot of clout on how things should be handled in the family. lol I would like any comments and/or suggestions on the situation I am in now as a grandparent. I need to also mention that my daughter-in-law is also from a divorced family and her step-father also raised her as a small child and was also listed as a “parent” in their wedding brochure. Am I being too sensitive or am I right in feeling that there were only 2 people that produced the father (as parents) and only 2 grandparents that should be called Grandma & Grandpa? Your comments please and thank you SO much in advance!?