By Dr. Joel Block
6. Accountability.
Just as relationship-supporting behaviors need to be strengthened, there are also trust-specific requirements to be considered. Common requests are for greater accountability, consistency, reliability, and sacrifice. Especially in instances where there has been an affair or uncontrolled gambling or substance abuse, accountability may involve an accurate itinerary during travel, calls during the day and coming home from work in time to have dinner with the family.
It goes without saying that the trust violating behavior in question must stop completely. No more contact with a lover, for example. And doing whatever it takes to give up drugs or alcohol, including detox, recovery meetings or inpatient treatment, if needed, is essential.
7. Consistency and Reliability.
In addition to accountability most trust-damaged lovers require consistency and reliability to be present in a much greater degree than had been the case. Being clear about intentions and keeping agreements, even those that seem minor, such as calling when promised are very important. Once the trust wound has been exposed, sensitivity is increased and must be respected.
8. Responsiveness.
Some couples also request that monthly bank statements, credit card statements and phone bills are made available. Other couples insist on therapy, and a complete and detailed description of the trust violations. Yet others need some time for intimate talk and reassurance each day.
The specific requests vary from person to person but in all cases they should be in the service of helping the hurt partner feel more cared for, appreciated and emotionally secure. And that’s how the trust-breaking partner should view them, rather than as punitive, and arbitrary.
9. The Two-Person Factor.
Strengthening trust is not a one-person endeavor. The offended partner shares in the responsibility of the repair process. In fact, if there isn’t receptiveness to the possibility of trusting again, and an encouragement of the offender’s efforts to restore confidence, the process is destined to failure.
An “indefinite sentence” or a prolonged period of coldness and alienation, perhaps going on for months, will almost surely result in the offended partner giving up in his efforts to reconnect. It is most helpful, in contrast, to consider carefully what is needed to restore trust, spell it out (not globally, like “be more reliable,” but specifically, like, “call when you say you will”) and collaborate with the offender in creating a blueprint for reparation.
The Challenge
Realistically, being responsive to an offending partner’s efforts when there has been a betrayal, or pattern of deception is a major challenge. In these instances, the negative cycle is well established and will not yield easily: simply thinking about the relationship differently, although important, is not powerful enough. More is needed. Behavior must change and both partners must be committed to the repair process. <<
Joel Block, Ph.D., is a psychologist and author of nearly twenty books on relationships and sexuality. His website is www.drblock.com and he can be reached at Joel@LetLifeIn.com
It takes two to put the repair of trust on a healing path.
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