By Joel Block Ph.d.
Mother’s catch hell. In movies, in literature, the theme often comes back to the not-quite-good enough Mom. But what about fathers? Not to be left out, for better or worse, fathers play a large role in the blueprint that we will follow in our relationships with others, and in the relationship we form with ourselves.The early part of my life, the first quarter century or so, was lunacy. The third arrest was the most serious. It involved spending time in the Brooklyn House of Detention, sharing a cell with a prominent member of an up-and-coming crime family. Intimidated? Not me, maybe him. I was one angry dude. And not exactly smart-thinking. Why else would I have attacked an armed police officer that night? And how does the “Dad influence” play in this?
Dad History
Wind back to the early days. My father went on a business trip when I was three and a half years old. He never returned home. He died before he hit the ground from a brain aneurism on that trip. A few years later, I was seven by then, I came home from the movies with my sister and my mother was sitting next to a man she introduced as my uncle. My uncle? News to me. In fact, he wasn’t. A few weeks later she was sleeping with my “uncle” who was now my stepfather. This was not a kind man. The various forms of abuse are too numerous to elucidate. Besides, real abuse is not something easily discussed. I will say this, when he left, I was fourteen then, the fight was vicious. He may have thought he got the best of me, and to anyone watching he did, but while I shed some blood, I wouldn’t let a tear loose. I never felt I lost any of the many fights after that, only because I told myself so, not because I was a superior fighter. Once again, the anger prevailed.
End of an Era
Then came the last of the fathers. The one who approached me to borrow money when I was living in a trailer (8x 30, measured by outside dimensions) at a time when getting by each month was a major challenge. Nice enough guy, but the gambling problem was a killer.
Who’s to Blame?That brings us to the question of Dad influence. A psychologist colleague suggested that my reckless behavior (less so in my middle age, but still over the top at times) is the result of losing my father at a young age, and me concluding that it was my fault that Daddy never came home. He contends that as a young child, classically egocentric, my conclusion makes sense. My behavior, he maintains, when it is over the top and dangerous, when it flies in the face of good judgment—is guilt driven. I am looking to punish myself. Another friend, also a psychologist, differs. He stands by the second guy, the abuser.
Yet another colleague claims that the third guy, seemingly passive, but making subtly demanding requests must have infuriated me. Infuriated me by requests that I could not comply with, leaving me feeling impotent. Why not just combine their influence and give them all credit for the lunacy that marred the earlier years of my life? That’s my take. What’s more, when I read the Spitzer saga—the torment his father put him through, it was all too familiar. It highlighted the powerful role a father plays with a child, and perhaps in particular, a male child.
When my debut novel, “The Wrong Schwartz” was published last May, and in the many book talks I’ve done since, I’ve been asked why I wrote the kind of dark father-son story I did. My standard response: All of you must have heard the writer’s maxim, “Write what you know about.” My story follows the life of a guy whose father died when he was approaching his teens. Nonetheless, his father’s influence dogged him through his boomer years. <<
Come on, Talk to Me
Am I the only one out there who had to recover from the “Dad Experience?” Okay, so it took me nearly half a century. Maybe somebody out there knows of a shortcut—or is still searching for answers. And what about a counter point? Dad experiences that provided a blueprint for happiness? My own children tell me I have one of those with them. Tell me yours. And, if you are curious to enter the drama in fiction form, check out “The Wrong Schwartz” and let’s start our own Dad blog.
Joel Block, Ph.D., is a psychologist and author of nearly twenty books on relationships and sexuality. His website is www.drblock.com and he can be reached at Joel@LetLifeIn.com
Comments