By Beth Q. Beck, EdD
When grandparents take grandchildren in to raise them, there is a ripple effect throughout nearly every aspect of our lives. It impacts our relationships with the grandchild of course, turning us from doting grandparents to parents. There can be implications with our children and other grandchildren, often increasing rivalries and jealousies, and there are stresses placed upon our marriage.
Study shows an impact on marriages in kinship care.
A recent study at the University of Chicago assessed the mental health needs in grandparent caregiver families. Twelve of the thirty-nine (31%) grandmother participants related that the impact of raising grandchildren on their marriages was significant. Three grandmothers had marriages end in divorce once they took on the added responsibility of raising grandchildren. Two were already experiencing marital problems. Adding the children just tipped the balance in favor of divorce. Six grandmothers reported there were additional strains on their marriages. Four grandmothers felt they were caught between their spouse, who was not always the child’s grandfather, and their grandchildren. Not all of the grandmothers reported difficulties. Three said that caring for the grandchildren strengthened their marriage.
Boyfriends, fiancés, and second marriages can be affected.
When we talk about the personal issues of caregivers in our Grand-families support groups, we frequently hear about the stresses placed on marriages or relationships. More than once we’ve been aware of boyfriends or fiancés who left a relationship rather than becoming involved with a girlfriend’s grandchildren. We are also aware that many times a step-grandparent is involved in kinship care, one who is not biologically related to the grandchild, and in some instances, has never raised a child before.
One Grand-families participant described her marriage before the grandchildren came as “relatively calm and congenial. We made decisions together easily and took vacations and social outings together.” Once the grandchildren came she and her husband have had disagreements on how to deal with kids…discipline, activities, and punishment. They now have to share responsibilities and time is given to care-giving instead of their formerly enjoyable activities. Somewhat resentfully, she said, “I think I do more than my share.”
Another grandmother described her personal relationship with her boyfriend as “Most of our attention went to each other. We planned adult activities. We watched what we wanted on TV. We made future plans together.” After her grandchild came, it changed everything. “All of my attention goes to the child. We cannot do our previous activities. TV, movies, and conversation are limited to those things suitable to a child. We are re-thinking our relationship.”
Areas of disagreement in kinship care marriages
There are plenty of opportunities for disagreement between us and our spouse or significant other regarding caring for grandchildren. They can include:
- Differences of opinion over whether we should be providing kinship care at all.
- Disagreements over house rules, and the child’s behavior or discipline.
- Disagreements about the children’s parents, your adult child. While you may feel you are helping out by raising this grandchild, the other spouse may regard your actions as enabling or see it as usurping something from the child’s parents that doesn’t belong to us.
- Because children require so much time and can be the focus of all of our energy, couples often find they do not have enough time to spend with each other or to nourish a marriage. Sometimes jealousy can erupt, with one spouse resenting the time spent on a grandchild instead of with him or her.
- The added expenses of a child can cause a financial strain.
- By virtue of the children’s energy and the extra work it takes to care for them, we find that our privacy, peace and quiet are disrupted. This may extend to sexual intimacy.
Because of the actions of our adult children and the circumstances under which these children came to us, we may be angry or grieving. These emotions may compound our disagreements. Where we should rationally deal with the issues, our emotions may make us even more sensitive, sad, or defensive.
Some ideas on making marriages successful in kinship care
In Relatives Raising Children: A guide to finding help and hope (2005), the Brookdale Foundation provides some tips for successfully building our marriage while raising grandchildren:
(1) Make it a priority to regularly spend at least a little time together without the children…go for a walk, have lunch together, use Friday as a date night.
(2) Share concerns…talk to each other…don’t bottle it up. Do it in a positive way. Make and keep a promise to speak calmly and kindly about your concerns. Also promise to listen and think about the other person’s concerns.
(3) Come up with a plan together of sharing the work as well as the fun times.
(4) If you have some really basic disagreements, such as whether the children should even be with you, you might try agreeing to put this discussion on hold for a certain, set period of time. That can keep you from arguing the same point each day, but still give you the chance to revisit the question later.
Kinship care-giving as a couple can be a challenge. If you can go into it as a team, communicating and planning together, raising your grandchildren can actually strengthen your marriage and give your later years some real purpose. Best wishes in making it so. <<
Dr. Beth Beck is the former director of the Children’s Service Society of Utah. Under her leadership this 120 yea old organization recognized the needs of kinship caregivers and the elative’s children they are raising. CSS’s program called Grand-families began in August 2002. It has helped countless numbers of kinship families in Utah and is nationally recognized for its excellence. She has four children and seven grandchildren, one of which is living with her, making her a kinship caregiver herself.
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