By Tom Blake
Many middle aged singles are lonely. Loneliness can cause people to do strange things. Some make desperate, quick and foolish decisions, hoping to improve their situations. The Internet often plays a part in this scenario by connecting people who live in different parts of the country.Falling out of love at the airportA 32-year-old California woman met a 44-year-old Pennsylvania man online. Each had two children. They exchanged photographs, hundreds of e-mails, and thought they had so much in common, they decided to marry and merge their families. She planned to move to Pennsylvania.They thought that meeting in person before tying the knot would be wise. He flew to Los Angeles. She booked three nights in a fancy beachfront hotel with an in-room spa. You can imagine her anxiety while she waited for him at the gate at LAX (this was before September 11, when people were allowed to wait at the gate).
After the passengers deplaned, both thought the other hadn’t shown. When the gate area cleared, two people remained. They hadn’t recognized each other because both had sent photos taken more than 20 years before.He was poorly shaven (after all, it was a long flight). He was wearing a wrinkled T-shirt (must have slept on the flight), tennis shoes and blue polyester bell bottom pants with holes in the knees. His hair stuck out on both sides like Bozo the clown’s. He was five-ten and 250 pounds. A beeper was attached to his fly. She couldn’t stomach kissing him, yet he was the man she had planned to marry ten minutes earlier.
The relationship was over before they reached baggage claim.Cross-country and backIn another case, a woman met a guy over the telephone during a business transaction. He lived in Florida, she in California. After they exchanged several phone calls, she allowed him to visit. After four days, he proposed and asked her to come to Florida to live. She gave up her apartment, furniture, job, and car, and left in December. They planned to marry on Valentine’s Day.She returned in mid-January, and admitted she hadn’t known the man when she moved. She had to start over again; the move set her back financially at least two years.In love with adjectivesA Long Island, New York, woman e-mailed: “I’ve met the most marvelous, fantastic, exciting, sexy, intelligent man and we are deeply in love.”“Where did you meet and what’s he like?” I asked.
They met in an Internet chat room, and hadn’t yet met in person. She was ready to pack up her two kids and move to Chicago to be with him. He was also married, but neither his marriage nor hers was an obstacle.When I suggested she should think this over-she hadn’t even seen the man in person-she replied: “I’ve never seen God either but love him above all.” At that point, I gave up my argument.You’re not crazy Gale Dundrea, of Leicester, North Carolina, e-mailed: “A recently divorced friend claims he’s met his ‘love’ over the Internet. After writing and calling for months, she arrived here last Wednesday. They’re going back to California, selling her condo, and returning to buy a house where he and his two girls can live.
He’s known her all of four days. Is this crazy or is it me?”Starting over twice.A San Francisco Bay Area man shared his experience: “After living alone in the same residence for 21 years, I fell for a charming, vivacious woman who lives in Georgia. We met over the Internet. I succumbed to my loneliness, married her in late 2000, and moved to Georgia.“Things didn’t work out. I’m starting over, ruined financially, driving an old $300 car, and am trying to put my life back together,” he said.If you want my opinion…These people didn’t fall in love. They fell in love with the idea of love and made life-changing decisions that put themselves in a deeper hole than before.What do doctors recommend?Tina Tessina, Long Beach, California, PhD, therapist, and author of several books, said, “Make sure you introduce your prospective partner to lots of friends and family. Give them a chance to know him or her, and listen to the reactions. If one friend takes a dislike to your intended, that can be overlooked- but if you get several negative responses, pay attention!”If you want my advice…Don’t let loneliness or feelings of desperation influence your decision making. You can’t “fall in love” with someone you’ve never met. Don’t consider moving to another location to be with a person unless you’ve known them in person for months or years. Even then, it’s risky.
And don’t allow someone you’ve known for a short time move to be near you, or worse, move-in. Not only might you find you aren’t compatible–which could be the least of your concerns–they could have hidden evil intentions. If someone is trying to rush you into a decision, that’s a red flag.If you’re still compelled to uproot your life for the sake of a new love, have the person’s background checked by a professional investigator. The chances of a move based on an impulsive decision working out are about 100-to-one. <<
Tom Blake is the author of Middle Aged and Dating Again. Tom also writes a weekly column for the Orange County Register.
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