Interview by Gary Geyer
“Let Life In” (www.LetLifeIn.com) organized another round table discussion with older gays and lesbians. Their ages were between 58 and 73. Our topic was homophobia and its presence in senior facilities. Some spoke from experience, others from hearsay.
LetLifeIn.com: You’re all heterosexual, right?
I’ve heard that’s the assumption being made when older gays and lesbians enter most retirement communities, assisted living facilities and nursing homes.
Richard: Sure, sure, no problem here. Straight as an arrow, that’s me!
Owen: The problem is that most of us have been living an “out” life for a long time. That assumption that we are hetero is causing us to hide who we are.
Richard: Yeah. Back to my old friend, the closet. (singing) Hello, darkness, my old friend…
LetLifeIn.com: What do you mean?
Richard: Datol’ debil , homophobia is still lurking about. It’s like being between a rock and a hard place…
Jerome: (interrupting) Oh, I like the hard place
Richard: (continuing) seriously, we really don’t have much of a choice. In some of those retirement homes, homophobia runs rampant, especially among the staff.
Elaine: It’s not a good situation. It’s like everyone you cared about before you got there didn’t exist.
Stella: You’re right. It doesn’t matter if you were out and living openly before, if you let anyone know about your sexual orientation you’re asking for trouble.
When a gay person goes to visit another gay person in a nursing home, it’s in everyone’s best interest to act straight—like any other visitor The fear of being discriminated against is very real.
LetLifeIn.com: Can’t they do anything about it?
Greg: The fact is, most gays that are in long-term care now, are from the time when being closeted was the norm. It’s difficult for them to say anything now because that’s not how they are.
LetLifeIn.com: Is that everyone’s experience?
Owen: I think it’s much easier for normal looking gay people-those who could pass for straight. The ones that find it really difficult are the women who are masculine and the men who are feminine. I won’t even mention the men who like to dress in drag. Like they will really be allowed to do that.
Stella: You hear all kinds of horror stories. Someone told me there was this older woman in a nursing home who the staff refused to bathe because (bitchy voice) “they didn’t want to touch the lesbian.”
Richard: And what about this elderly gentlemen who was threatened with being outed by this bitch assistant if he reported how negligent her care was.
Greg: To tell you the truth you have to hide any signs of being gay. I couldn’t put up any of my photos or mementos because they might give me away.
LetLifeIn.com: This is a topic I haven’t heard much about. Is everyone aware of what’s going on?
Jerome: Someone ought to write an expose. It’s shocking that homophobia actually seems condoned by many long-term care facilities. I did some research. Do you realize that there aren’t any laws prohibiting discrimination against people based on sexual orientation in housing or public accommodations in 41 states?
Stella: It’s not only shocking, it’s disgraceful. As if getting old in our society isn’t difficult enough — living on a limited income and not being able to get around as well as we used to, we also have to deal with the indignities, the prejudices and neglect that these institutions dole out just because we’re gay.
Richard: So what else is new?
Elaine: It gets me crazy. Do you know that there are policies in some long-term care institutions forbidding same sex partners to visit? To VISIT! I’ve heard that some places actually write the ban into their admission policy.
Owen: That’s nothing. In some places if a gay male couple entered a nursing home together, they would not be allowed to share a room. Say goodbye to their intimacy and their ability to take care of each other.
Richard: I heard this one story and I believe it. These 2 guys were having sex and a nursing assistant walked in on them. Not only did she pull them apart, she had one of the men transferred to a psychiatric ward and put in restraints. Now that’s sick.
Elaine: I think it’s just stupidity. You know, when gay people are portrayed in TV shows they are usually shown as young and beautiful with great bodies. God forbid you don’t look like the actors in Will and Grace or The L Word. They never show gay or lesbian seniors. I’m sure most people don’t even know we exist.
Owen: Well, I agree with you but I also think there is something else. I think nobody has sat down and tried to understand the needs of gay older people. These days there is a lot more understanding of gay young people than there is of the person who happens to be, let’s say, over 50.
LetLifein.com: So what do you think the solution is. How can it get better?
Richard: I think, first of all, retirement homes and nursing facilities need to take on the responsibility of educating their staff about sexual orientation. They need sensitivity training, like in the sixties
Owen: They really have to get tougher too, and prohibit discrimination of any kind towards gays and lesbians. It’s really a matter of protecting our civil rights.
LetLifeIn.com: There is a small movement in Canada, I read about. Did any of you hear of a plan to set up separate facilities just for gay, lesbian and transgendered seniors? It would be staffed with gay people as well.
Elaine: Well it’s an interesting idea if they could make it work. Obviously, there is an economic question. Are there enough elderly gay people to make it economically feasible?
Richard: Although, I’m sure it would make a lot of people more comfortable —I don’t know. When you think of it as let’s get all those gays together in one place, it’s a little creepy. But then again, communities like Greenwich Village, and West Hollywood seem to work out fine.
LetLifeIn.com: Any words of optimism?
Elaine: Oh, sure. Thing’s will get better. It just takes more time than we’d like. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Jerome: I think just having open discussions like this one, helps. When people are aware of the problem, it’s the first step to getting it fixed.
Owen: Either that, or another Stonewall.
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