By Beth Q. Beck, EdD
“Imagine a 2:30 a.m. phone call from a local law enforcement officer, ‘Can you come and pick up your grandchildren? We have arrested both of their parents for drug involvement.
‘This action has left your three grandchildren, Janet, age 6, and the twins, Michael and Mary, age 2, without a home. You’re the only safe relative identified to take the children….immediately. If you don’t, they will go into emergency foster care in different homes. They may be separated from you and each other, and you may lose any future control over what happens to them* (Adapted from The Central Coast Children’s Foundation, Inc).
ADD TO THIS, THE FOLLOWING: You are a 58-year-old widow living in a one-bedroom apartment.
No bed of roses
Here are some of the challenges in raising grandchildren:
Questions immediately arise: How will you feed them, house them, and find child care while you’re at work? What are your legal rights? The problems may multiply when you discover the children have no medical insurance and they’re having trouble at school. Predictably, the children may have emotional problems stemming from neglect or even abuse. They may miss and grieve being without their parents.
If this were you, what would you do and how would you feel?
If you are like most grandparents, you would say, “Bring them over” or “Let me come and get them.” Why…because those children are ours, because we have an obligation as family members, because we love them.
Grandparent caregivers are found in all socio-economic groups, all religions, and all races and ethnic groups.
Many carry the primary responsibility for their grandchildren’s basic needs. That means providing for the food, clothing, shelter, medical care, teaching, and nurturing in all of its aspects for these grandchildren.
Sometimes, the grandchildren come with their parents who have lost jobs or are going through a divorce. Oftentimes, the parents are not functioning well in the adult world.
Dramatic changes in your life
In any case, when you take in grandchildren, everything changes — including relationships with your other children and grandchildren, with your marriage, with your social life, and with your priorities.
Why is this happening?
There are several causes with the greatest being alcohol or drug abuse. Other reasons include unemployment, child abuse and/or neglect, incarceration, teenage pregnancy, parental mental health issues, death of a parent, family violence, HIV/AIDS, and/or poverty.
Kinship care has grown dramatically across the nation. Mostly this is due to the increasing numbers of young parents involved in substance abuse. In some states it can be directly linked to the growing number of women who are hooked on Methamphetamine (Meth).
X-rated lives
Substance abuse renders parents unable to provide the care children need. Their children are exposed to X-rated lives, with sexual abuse and criminal activity being common. Many children of substance abusing parents are neglected, without adequate food, clothing, or medical care. Many do not attend school on a regular basis. Often the older children take care of the younger children, and sometimes they take care of their inebriated or “high” parents.
Grave concerns
The impact of substance abuse on children and families is a cause of grave concern for governmental authorities. Pediatricians, church leaders, and teachers see it and don’t know what to do. When it happens in our own families, we cannot turn away. This why grandparents step in and rescue the children, in spite of the difficulties encounted and despite putting their own lives on hold.
Limited services
Unfortunately, there are limited services for kinship families. However, in 2002 the Children’s Service Society, (located in Salt Lake City, Utah,) began a program called Grandfamilies to help caregivers and the relative’s children they are raising. Grandfamilies offers classes, support groups, children’s groups, family activities, community advocacy, crisis counseling, assistance obtaining community resources, a monthly newsletter, relative adoptions, and counseling. Services are free to all interested.
I have been invited to share my experience on kinship care as former director of the Children’s Service Society and as a kinship caregiver myself. Hopefully my first-hand experience will give support and insight to grandparents who are providing kinship care for their grandchildren and who may need some insights to help in this endeavor.
Dr. Beth Beck is the former director of the Children’s Service Society of Utah.
we have no help in colorado we get 99.00 per child per month when fosters get from 350.00 to 650.00 per child per month for fair but as a congerssmen said to me life it not fair nice anwser. Debbie buckley
I have been raising my granddaughter now for 13 years. I have no help from the parents. I really have help from noone. I am also taking care of my elderly parent. With all the docter appointments with my mom there is no way that I can work right now. I am single and have no life of my own. I am 50 years old. I don’t know where to turn for help. My grandaughter is almost 14 and going thru the teenage years. I am turning into a total emotional mess. I live in Texas and there is not much help here that i have found except for medicaid and that is a constant paperwork battle. I don’t know how much more I can take.
Debbie1954 & Brenda. Hi ladies. I am a great-grandmother raising my two and half year old great-granddaughter. I would like to talk with the two of you. I have a plan for those like us, this plan will help you financially plus other benefits. But it will take some work and commitment as well. Please contact me. ASAP
dew3719@comcast.net
Hi Bertie,
I am a 57 ear old grandmother and my granddaughter is now in the hands of Child Protective Services for the 2nd time. I would like to consider her coming to live with me but I work 2 jobs just to make ends meet. I couldn’t be home for her when she gets off school and that’s really what she needs most. Time and attention. I am interested in finding out what financial help is available so I would be able to quit my 2nd job and become a stay-at-home mom for her. Please let me know what you have in mind. It would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!
“Let Life In” knows nothing of posting from ‘bertie’ above. Those who wish to contact her do so at their own free will and “let Life In’ assumes no responsibility. This message from the Editor is not meant to discourage you or encourage you from making contact.
Hi I have been asked to adopt my grandchild due to the fact that my step daughter doesn’t want the baby which hasn’t even been born yet. I have fibromyalgia and 5 bulging disc in my neck and cannot lift over 10 pounds. My Dr. has recommended surgery. My stepdaughter has stated that if i dont take the baby that she will give her up for adoption to a family looking for a child. I know i am not capable of caring for the child but i dont want her to go to another family. what should i do? we have offered for her to move into our home with the baby but she wont. She said she will not change her mind and i have until may to make my decision. I feel that the child would be better off with a family that can give her the care that she needs but my heart says no. It has actually broken into over this. any advise?
i am a 45. singleman now out of work 6 months taking care of my 7month old grandaughter and 19 month old grandsoni have temp custody now my son and his wife are having there rights terminated i want to adopt these children but i need to pay for avaluations homestudy and go through background checks ive sold most my things just to stay afloat i will need to sell all i have to pay for these things .my question will i qualify broke single even though ive had these children 6 months now any advice or law help would be appreaciated
Brenda I know what you mean about Texas. I have had my grandsons all thier lives. The older almost 7 and the younger 4 1/2 years. I applied for and recieve child only medicaid. The only benefit, until recently, in Nov 2008 I now get older ones SSI check and place in his savings. I am disappointed in the system that there are no more options open to younger grandparents. Also you would think in the DFW metroplex there would be support groups. I have search and search for all these years and found nothing helpful. The ups and downs over the years have been heart wrenching and painful.
I am saddened and amazed that there are so many kinship caretakers that are not aware of even the basic federal and state benefits that are available to them. I have been raising 4 great grandchildren since Feb. of 2005. I live in the state of Washington. It doesn’t matter what state you live in, though. Federal and State law mandates that anyone raising children of a kinship nature are entitled to Child Only TANF, free Medical and Dental, Food Assistance and in many cases clothing, school supply and initial housing set-up (beds, dressers, linens, etc.) vouchers. In addition to all of the above, at age 62 you are eligible for energy assistance (help with power bills in the high use months) and housing assistance (up to $500.00 per month paid by federal grant to help with rental/mortgage payment). If you are under age 62 and are strapped for funds to pay your rent/mortgage payment you are elibible for a 6 month emergency housing assistance program (up to $500.00 per month) to help you get back on track. All but the Child Only TANF and free Medical and Dental are contingent on the size of your family in relationship to your income. So PLEASE check with your state’s DSHS and CPS offices and don’t stop looking or asking until you find these programs that are the right of every citizen in the U.S. to partake of. There are charity organizations that will help you, also. In my state there is an organization called HOPE SPARKS that will help anyone raising kinship children up to the amount of $1500.00 per family. And there are many more just like them. I found them by searching online. PLEASE keep searching and calling and asking!! DON’T GIVE UP!
I live in North Carolina. I am in the process of doing the kinship of my 8 month old granddaughter. I am a nurse with my 19 year old still at home. Not married. It takes all I make to keep up with just living expenses and I have no savings and no extra money to get this baby set up and ready to take care of her. With appropriate proof of my situation-is there anywhere I can ask for monetary help so I can make a list and go get the things this child will immediately need in order for me to take care of her?
Thank you for any suggestions,
Diane
North Carolina
This is so new to me! I don’t even have a car seat yet, let alone, a crib.
Hi Diane,
In order for me to give you some answers to your questions I would have to know a lot more about your particular situation with your 8 month old granddaughter. Is your 19 year old that lives at home the parent of your granddaughter? Are Child Protective Services involved with your situation with your granddaughter? Did a state agency of any kind request kinship care for your granddaughter or are you doing this on your own? The only thing I can tell you right now without any other information from you is that EVERY state has Child Only TANF (Temporary Assistance to Needy Families) that you would qualify for no matter what your income or financial situation. Your income is not a factor to receive Child Only TANF. It is based on the needs of the child or children. You would also qualify for WIC benefits for your granddaughter. Which right off the bat would cover formula, cereal, baby food, juice, etc. Through these state and local agencies that would provide the above you could probably receive further information on state, local and federal agencies and charities that could further help with your situation. If you could give me more information about your particular situation I could probably steer you in the direction of more assistance, hopefully. It takes a lot of research and networking to get where you need to be in this situation. And talk….talk until you are blue in the face! There are a lot of us out here in your same situation. Let everyone you know what you are up against and what you need. Don’t be afraid to ask and don’t be too proud to accept. You deserve every bit of help and assistance you can manage to get. Please let me know how you are doing.
Carol
Washington State
Thirteen years ago, my son and his two children came to live with me. I claimed to want to go back to school and then proceeded to party. The Mother was not seen for months and then would show up at events as “a surprise” and then leave. At first, I was devastated to be put in this position as I had raised my children and wanted some adult freedom. After a year, I had totally assumed the parent role and then grew to do everything for them that both parents should have done. (Child protective services was in the picture and would have been taken away from them, had I not intervened. After that, I totally adjusted my life to rearing what had become “my children” by default and I was very happy. Then, ten years later they were wrenched away from me and were and are still being used as pawns for me being any part of their lives. It is no different than losing the children to another person. In order for me to do anything for them, I have to beg to do it and in order to keep any type of relationship with them, I have to “abide by his rules.” Sometimes I would rather just move 2,000 miles away or just not live. Any advice?
It really amaises me,that the ones that have the children, that cannot take care of them because of substance abuse, can get help;but the Grandparents and Great-Grandparents that are raising their children cannot.Is that like a really bad oximoron. Sorry about the spelling.What is wrong with this system?-T-
Methamphetamine is some very bad stuff and it is ruining a lot of lives. I have never used it myself but I watched my son struggle with addiction for several years.His wife was also a user and there were days when if I had not taken the children food there would have been none.They have both jail time. I have read a lot about the kinship care programs and I think that families raising these children should get help to be able to keep these children with family members.Why should they not get help and the kids be placed in foster homes which cost money to.Thanks for sharing this information with your readers.
Jacquelyn Dunn
I just trying to get some help with raising my grandchildern. My daugther passed last year and I really need to be able to giving them their own room . I really what to give them everything. But i need help Im looking for help . So if someone can help or point me into right direction I would so greatful.
I am from Canada I got married 2 years ago and in that time,we took my granddaughter to live with us because my daughter couldnt handle her.Shortly after my daughter developed leukimia and we took in her other 3 children. Just lately my daughter died of cancer and we are now in a custody battle with her ex husband who was only granted supervised access and now wants full custody. He split my granddaughters head open with a knife and 1 1/2 days later he took her for stitches.There has been no support recieved since July.and we have the same issues in Canada.If you are family the government will not help but they would pay for fostercare.It would be good to know where to get help
I live in NC and although my daughter lives with us, my husband and I are pretty much the caregivers to her son, our grandson. My daughter is in and out and doesnt want the baby. He is 9 months old and they have been living with us since he was 3 weeks old. The father is not in the picture although he is listed on the b.c.
My daughter is in and out partying and “chillin” with her friends as she would say. She goes out and has no qualm with staying out 24, 48 hours, and this most recent time she left sat morning and it is now thursday and we have yet to hear from her. I see alot of people who seem to care for the grandkids by default, without actually having custody of them. I am also seeing talk of being able to keep benefits for the baby. My grandson currently gets (through his mother) wic, medicaid, and they are together on work first. all which I am assuming will end if she is removed from the picture weather it be via going to jail for 3-5 years or be us twlling her she is no longer welcome in our home and that we will be keeping the baby (not something she would fight as she has stated on more than one occasion that she doesnt want him) I am hoping to find out what is the best way to proceed from here. Would we be better off proceeding just as it is, and just caring for him by default of would it be best to get actual custody. Should I report her to the police as missing and abandoning her child and also DSS or should I just contact her workers at dss and tell them she is gone and I need to file for the benefits on behalf of my grandson. There is no way I can afford to add him to my husbands insurance policy, and we are already in a very tight financial situation (though we wouldnt actually qualify for any benefits on our own based on our income)
Any guidance would be so greatly appreciated.
I don’t think “caring for him by default” is in your best interest or the best interests of your grandchild. I would urge you to get in touch with a family lawyer. You can do this independently or contact Legal Aid and request a family lawyer from them. A lawyer is in the best position to advise you how to handle your situation and best protect all the parties involved. In NC there are over 135,000 children living in grandparent headed households. Your lawyer can also help guide you to organizations in your state that assist families in your situation. Your grandchild is fortunate to have concerned, loving grandparents.
I need to know how I can convince my husband that adopting a SECOND grandchild is better for all of us, especially the toddler and his 9 year old half-brother. We find ourselves in the position once again of both parents back into the drug life, and we are raising the baby. We adopted our 9 yr old grandson when he was 4, after getting custody at age 2. We swore we would never raise another child after him. (We are in our mid-50′s) We were determined not to get attached to anymore babies fathered by our addict son, but circumstances changed. Our son was doing well, holding down a job and his apartment, etc. When baby was 6 weeks old, his wife was sent to prison for a year. We let him and baby move in with us, cuz he had no real “baby-skills” and could not afford apt and childcare. So basically the baby has lived with us his entire life, and he is now 18 months old. When his mom got out of prison, they had a hard time bonding, even though I had taken him for weekly visits to see her in prison. Both parents immediately went right back into drug use when she got out. We have now had baby with us, with no parental contact due to drug use..(and they have warrants).. fort he last month. We will file for guardianship ASAP, but my husband still does not want to raise another young child. I think it would be extremely detrimental to the baby and to our 9 year old, if we were to just give him up to foster care. How do you explain to a young boy that you are giving up his baby brother, who he has been with nearly every day of the baby’s life, and raised together? Plus, I don’t think I could live with myself. Does anyone have any statistics on a situation like this, or any words that will make my husband see that
WE are the baby’s family, and the only home and family he has ever known, and it would be WRONG to just give him away? PLEASE! Any help is appreciated!