By Beth Q. Beck EdD.
Kinship CareStatistics show that more and more grandparents are raising their grandchildren (called “kinship care”). When kinship care occurs, relationships and roles in families change. For instance, raising a grandchild means your role becomes much closer to that of mom and dad than doting grandparents.
The family dynamics in kinship care
Very young grandchildren may even start calling you “Mommy” or “Daddy.” Rather than playing with grandchildren and sending them home, you are now concerned about homework, the kinds of friends they run with, and whether they are brushing their teeth.
Unique issues seen in kinship families
Managing these new roles and relationships can be difficult, and, you will soon discover that kinship families have issues which are unique to them. Here are some examples:
Unprepared for the new roles and relationships
Because children are generally received in an emergency, such as a call from the police or DCFS, or your adult child who is in a crisis, caregivers are generally unprepared for what awaits them. Most have no idea what taking the children will mean or how to get help.
Dealing with the system
Receiving children whose parents may be incarcerated or in rehab or homeless and out-of-touch often means that caregivers are forced to deal with “the system,” including courts, prisons, or DCFS. You may need to seek guardianship, apply for Medicaid or TANF funds, or get the child into special education, all of which have heretofore been unfamiliar.
Uncertain duration of care and lack of permanency for the child
We generally do not know the duration of our role as the child’s caregiver. So often the family clings to the fantasy that a substance-abuser will get clean and come back to claim this child. In most instances it just doesn’t happen. The weeks become months which become years. Meanwhile, there is a lack of permanency for the children. They don’t know who they belong to or who will take them if something happens to you, etc.
This can be mitigated somewhat if grandma and grandpa get permanent custody/guardianship of the child, which gives some rights along with the responsibilities. It lets the child know you have the right to discipline him and that, by law, he belongs with you. It helps you feel entitled to make decisions on the child’s behalf.
The most permanent solution is adoption. Grandparents choose adoption when they realize the child needs to know where he belongs. It is also the only way to protect the child from his or her substance abusing or mentally ill parents showing up, claiming their rights, and taking the child.
Difference in ages
The great difference in ages between caregivers and children creates some interesting dynamics. The energy level of grandma and grandpa often does not meet that of the children. Interests can be very different, although bringing a child back into your home may awaken long forgotten fun and adventures.
Furthermore, society is different now than when we grew up or when we raised these children’s parents. How many of us worried about pornography on the Internet, or the wise use and monitoring of a child’s very own cell phone with our own children? Discipline standards today can be quite different than were used on us or on our children. Spanking, slapping, using the belt, etc. are just not o.k. today. Thus, grandparents may need to attend parenting classes to find techniques that work.
Grandparent’s health and longevity
Another difference is our own morbidity and mortality. Am I too ill to give good care? Is there money for my medicine as well as her doctor visits? How old will we be before these children can be independent? If I am 65 now with a 5-year-old, will I still be able to be the caregiver when he is in high school? These are all important questions.
Relationship with children’s biological parents
One of the hardest issues in kinship care is the relationship with the children’s biological parents. As bad as they might have been as the full-time parents of these children, biological parents are still very, very important to the children. The children may feel abandoned and grieve over the loss of their parents.
The big, gaping wound
One psychologist described the “big, gaping wound” children carry. Even though their parents are alive, they are lost to the children. If there are visits, the children go back to their abandonment when the parents say goodbye once more. Grandparents may deal with the fall-out of anger and tears after these visits and wonder if it is worth it.
Other children and grandchildren
Finally, our other children and grandchildren are an issue. Sibling rivalry and cousin rivalry may be greatly exaggerated by the extra care and outlay of resources for this grandchild. Resentments may be extreme towards the child’s biological parent who has a shared history with the rest of the family.
Unfortunately, family members may project/ transfer the parent’s issues onto his/her children. There may also be an elevated interest in the child by other family members, meaning multiple adults may want a say in how this child is treated and disciplined.
It is possible to make kinship care successful. It is far better for the child than foster care in most cases. However, kinship care requires adjustments and accommodations in the family, of which you and yours must be patient and willing to work out. <<
Dr. Beth Beck is the former director of the Children’s Service Society of Utah.
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