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  1. November 29, 2009 at 2:30 pm | |


    I’m writing a book tentatively called “Widowed”. It is about the men and women who lose their spouse and are not prepared, emotionally or financially to handle their loss. Using stories from real people, the book will offer suggestions, solutions, resources and referrals to the men and women who are widowed. You would be someone I would like to include as a resource. Can you help me find the stories?

    I write for a number of publications and have authored several business books, one is a Best Seller.

    Donna Messer

  2. jlew
    December 2, 2009 at 11:23 pm | |

    Widowers need to know that it is very painful for their new spouse to know that their loved one, a widower, has a love of their life who died. There are pictures and memories and pain that their new love must painfully be reminded of on a regular basis. Is it worth causing the widower’s new love unneccessary pain by the widower being in love and greiving over a ghost? It is like the new wife hanging pictures of her divorced spouse and family on their walls for the widower to see daily. It would be painful for the widower to see an ex-spouse with their new wife. He would feel insecure too seeing another man with his new wife. Maybe she wants to “honor” the love she once had for her ex husband and honor the memory her children have for their father and the loss of their parents marriage. It is not right to expect a new wife to endure the “honoring” of the widower’s first wife for the rest of their lives, unless he is willing to “honor” her first husband. It is a no win situation.

  3. jess water
    August 1, 2010 at 9:10 pm | |

    I absolutely agree!! I have been dating a widower for one year and we’ve talked about marriage. It has been the most painful relationship I have ever experienced. There were pictures of his deceased wife all over the house and her collections of trinkets. After a few months of pain searing my heart everytime I was in his house and saw his first love over and over I could hardly bear the pain. I tried to break things off with him several times but he persued me and showered me with kindness. I fell in love with this special man, and finally tearfully told him how much it hurt me to be in love with him and seeing his picture with her all over his home. As the first writer said, I also wanted to put up photos of my ex husband and my children at my house to “honor” them and thier father, just to show my widowed love what it felt like to see me with another man I onced loved and had children with. But I didn’t. I wish I had, because he still goes to her grave site every single holiday, birthday, anniversary, etc. A very large shared head stone with her lying there and his empty plot next to her with his name on it waiting to fill it when he passes. There is no room for a continued life without the constant reminders and missing a ghost who was an “angel”, and “the perfect mother” the “perfect wife”. I am here to love him. She is not. She is in heaven looking over him and their children wanting them to be happy. By continually “honoring” her and their loss prevents them from moving on to a happy and joyous life. We are still fairly young (in our late 40′s) and have years left to live. It feels impossible to create our own special memories and new, fun traditions. He asked me to clean out some of the cupboards and a closet. It was very painful for me to go through her things and get rid of them, because now all of her curlers, make up, cancer wigs, baby breast pump,etc. and photos, are forever burned into my mind. It is there permanently and impossible to forget. This is a tainted love that hurts.