By Dr. Joel Block
Surrender is the opposite of control. In the context of erotic, a “surrender” is often used when the heroine allows herself to be swept away by the hero’s passion. That’s a very narrow view of erotic surrender. It limits the woman and leaves out the man entirely.
Think of erotic surrender as the act of letting go while aroused, not as ceding control to your partner. Most people enjoy the feeling of being in control of their lives, even though much of what happens to them is clearly beyond their control.
Control
Successful people are admired not only for the money they earn and their accomplishments but also for the amount of control they exert over their environment and the others inside it. People who practice self-discipline are also admired. In lovemaking, the man who can “control” his erection and ejaculation and the woman who can “control” her partner’s arousal and her own responses are idealized. Where does surrender fit into this picture?
Surrender is an integral part of true intimacy. Letting go into full arousal is intrinsic to the higher level of sexual pleasures. It takes time to become comfortable with the process. Surrender is no easy matter. It’s frightening to keep thinking, “I can’t let go completely,” but it makes sense to be frightened if you believe that you will lose yourself and not find your way back.
Letting Go
Letting go requires a strong grip on yourself. It is about knowing who you are and being willing to reveal that and stand by it. In effect, it is a paradox: You will be able to let go when you have a good grip on yourself and who you are. It is akin to climbing a mountain. If you feel in control of yourself, rather than directing your energy trying to control the elements-the terrain and the weather, you can relax and take in the beauty of the climb. When you’re tense and feeling out of control, the climb seems foreboding.
The truth is that you cannot master the mountain; you master yourself in the process of climbing the mountain. Unfortunately, you can’t wait until you feel perfectly safe and secure before you venture out for your first climb. Feeling safer comes as a result of the experience.
Erotic Freedom
Here are some suggestions to begin:
1) Turn yourself over to your partner. Offer to be your partner’s sexual slave for a night. He or she can create a sexual script within reason. You may discover a new dimension to your sexuality this way.
2) Write a short essay on “Why I don’t let go sexually.” State all your reasons. Then describe how your life might change if you surrendered to your sexuality. Elaborate. Don’t merely say, for example, “I would be embarrassed.” What is the basis of the embarrassment? How would the embarrassment feel? How would you and your partner handle it? Put your essay aside for a few days. Read it again and write a rebuttal.
3) Play a role opposite to the one you typically play in bed for one week. If you are passive, become active. Initiate lovemaking. Be bold and assertive in getting your needs met. If you are active, be passive in all aspects of lovemaking. Don’t be afraid of the new feelings these changes will generate. Give in to them. <<
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