Being Gay or Lesbian and Past 50

By Gary Geyer.

Once upon a time there wasn’t a gay rights movement. Gays and lesbians were harassed by the police and ridiculed by most everyone else. Many kept their homosexuality a secret.

That was only thirty five years ago, in 1969, (the same year as Woodstock), gay activists took a stand at the Stonewall Inn in New York City and the gay rights movement began.

Most of the people who were there from the beginning, if they are still alive today, are certainly 50+, and many of them are seniors.

Thank heaven attitudes have changed. Or have they?

The following is a small roundtable discussion between “Let Life In” (www.LetLifeIn.com) and five gay and lesbian people between 52 and 68 years old. Sometimes serious and sometimes fun, we covered several areas—every thing from health care to…sex.

LetLifeIn.com: You are all gay and past 50. What’s on your minds these days?

Edward: Well, just like just about everyone in the 50+ age group — gay or straight– gay and lesbian seniors are concerned about their health. I don’t mean to start us off on a down note — I don’t know about the rest of you, but the thought of relying on others for health care is very frightening to me because I know we have to turn to networks and social institutions that have not always been tolerant of us.

Ruth: I know what you mean. Gays and lesbians in general, I don’t care what your age is, still encounter negative reactions from health providers. It is especially difficult for we seniors who grew up prior to gay liberation and still remember “the bad old days.”

Ellen: In much of America and Canada, there is still overt discrimination by both the medical profession and the public in general. When we’re looking for health care, we come up against a lot of obstacles.

George: Many gay and lesbian seniors revert back to the closet– keeping their sexual orientation hidden. Even if we are openly gay in our personal lives, I know many people who withheld that information when they needed health care.

LetLifeIn.com: I can understand that, how else is it different?

Larry: It’s much easier for heterosexual seniors. They usually can rely on their biological family as their support network. That’s not the case for gay and lesbian seniors.

Ellen: You know it. The ironic part is that gay and lesbian seniors usually have larger social networks than straight seniors yet these networks are not recognized by the so called health care professionals.

George: Also, same sex partners don’t have the same rights as family members when it comes to care-giving and even hospital visits. You know if a decision has to be made involving your partner, or even a friend, that decision is invariably given to the biological family rather than to us. As far as they’re concerned, we don’t even exist.

LetLifeIn.com: How do gay and lesbian seniors fit in with the rest of society?

Larry: It depends on where you live, what kind of job you have…

George: how rich you are.

[Laughter]

Larry: The degree to which gays and lesbians are “out” can vary. Older homosexuals are far less secure about their sexuality than those who are younger. It wasn’t as if the doors swung open and all of us danced out.

[Laughter]

Ellen: The youth-oriented culture that is often associated with gay and lesbian communities can have the unfortunate effect of isolating seniors.

Ruth: Often, closeted seniors live alone or with partners without any additional support. I know many of us feel that younger gays and lesbians who are in their 40s and 50s, you know, just a little behind us, should reach out and take on more responsibility.

LetLifeIn.com: Okay, Let’s talk about sexuality.

Ellen: Ah, lest we forget, sexuality, Sexuality, you know, is an important part of homosexuality.

[Laughter]

Ruth: The aging process brings with it special sexual problems for gays and lesbians. It’s not so easy, you know.

Edward: Unfortunately, the (male) gay community presents a particular image as the standard of attractiveness.—young and perfectly buff. If you happen to be getting on in years and still have an active libido, you are too often put down as a “troll” or a “dirty old man.”

Larry: You rang?

[Laughter]

Edward: Seriously, there is nothing wrong with being horny when you’re 20. I speak from experience. Likewise, there is nothing wrong with being horny at 50, 60, 70 or 80 either.

Ellen: Many seniors are in long term relationships. Others are out there looking.

George: We may not all be Brad Pitt, but there is nothing wrong with Sean Connery.

Larry: It’s a matter of physical fitness and a good attitude.

Ellen: Yeah! Self-acceptance is sexy.

LetLifeIn.com: It sounds like you’re saying getting old is a mixed blessing?

Edward: There may be downsides to getting old but there are plenty of rewards. I think gays and straights would agree that older lovers are more…adept.

[Laughter].

Edward: Seriously, maturing enables people to grow into their sexuality. They become more accepting, more understanding, and more willing to explore.

George: Listen, there is no denying, that in a community that puts physical attractiveness as the number one value, aging can be rough. Some who are younger, I feel, resent those they perceive to be old. Seniors are a reminder of immortality—proof that no one stays young and unwrinkled forever.

Ellen: Let’s hear it for Botox!

[Laughter]

Larry: On the other hand, some gays who are older disrespect the young ones –maybe resenting [in a somewhat haughty manner] “the unlimited horizons that was once theirs.”

50plusMag: So in the end, what really counts?

Ruth: I think we probably all agree that sex can be enjoyable at any age and that sexual energy and a beautiful body is great. But what really counts in sex is when you connect— to others and to yourself. And that only happens with “emotional generosity,” I read that once.

George: But then again, as Shakespeare once said, “Father Time is a hunk.” <<