By Roy Klein
In our high-tech age, everything’s become “digital.” I’m not exactly sure what that means. Except that it somehow connotes computerized precision and accuracy.
Prostate obsession
So, when my doctor told me during my recent annual physical that he intended to give me a digital prostate exam, I was tickled pink. Because, like all men over 50, I’ve become obsessed with my prostate. After all, it’s the organ that controls the functions of one of my favorite body parts. And I know that, if detected early, cancer of the prostate can be treated effectively, without damaging the functions of said favorite body part.
Prostate exam awarded Nobel Prize
I was so delighted, in fact, that I decided that whoever invented this sophisticated, digital prostate exam should be awarded the Nobel Prize for Medicine. I made a mental note to look into the matter further as soon as I got home.
With the snap of a glove
That’s when a sudden, loud, sharp snapping sound snapped me out of my ruminations. The sound was unmistakable. It was the sound of my doctor donning his latex examination gloves. Then, before I could say, Huh?,” he instructed me to drop my drawers (boxers, in case you’re interested), bend over and spread my legs. And, once I had assumed the position, he stuck a gloved finger or three down where the sun don’t shine.
Pink yes. Tickled pink no
But, apparently, this wasn’t enough for my doctor. Because, as if dancing the Hokey-Pokey, he proceeded to shake it/them all about. It certainly didn’t tickle, although I may well have turned pink.
Happily, the doctor gave me good news when he was done. “Although your prostate’s slightly enlarged, that’s pretty common for someone your age.
Nice, smooth and soft
The important thing is that it’s nice and smooth. And exceptionally soft.” Flattery will get you nowhere, I thought. Secretly, though, I felt proud of my prostate.
Prostate exam redux
A few months later, recurrent kidney stones forced me to see a urologist. As long as he was checking me out, of course, he decided to do his own digital prostate exam. And he, too, marveled at the remarkable softness and smoothness of the gland. This was getting embarrassing. But, I must confess, I kind of liked all the attention.
And once again
A few months after that, chronic digestive problems brought me to a gastroenterologist. The main purpose of his digital probe was to search for occult blood in my rectal orifice. But he apparently just couldn’t keep his finger away from my prostate while he was in there. I know this because he waxed poetic about it when he was finished — so smooth; so soft! At one point, I could have sworn that he became momentarily teary-eyed over it.
I’m honored
Some men have deep, resonant voices. Others have muscular arms. Or thick, lustrous heads of hair. Or chiseled facial features. Not me. No, the fickle finger(s) of fate apparently chose me for the singular digital honor of having the world’s smoothest, softest prostate. Laugh if you must. But, at least, it’s something. <<
For other articles by Roy Klein visit his website www.RoyKlein.com. For further information on Roy visit the websites for his law practice (Loorak.com) and his arbitrator/mediator practice (Limacs.org).
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