By Bill Urell
The tragic loss of a loved one, the death of a spouse, the break up of a long and fruitful marriage — life for those over 50 (or anyone) is full of chances for grief, and can easily be wasted on grieving.
Grief is certainly a reality that we must all face
but when we go beyond facing it when we sink deeper and deeper into it, we tend to lose sight of other things in life that are more important. We may neglect people who are close to us, alive, and who still need our love. We may drag ourselves to work, there to do nothing but sit and stare out into space all day. We may be wasting away without knowing it, and only because we did not know how to handle grief in the first place.
Grief is not easy to handle
The long road to recovery is often winding, and can sometimes lead you back to where you started if you are not careful, or if you are too intent on forgetting the cause of your grief. The key to handling grief is to recognize that recovery can be painfully slow, and to know that the faster you get out of it, the less numb you will be. Numbness is not something that you want your heart to experience, because there is more to life than grief: numb your heart, and you will find even the more enjoyable things in life difficult to appreciate.
10 tips to follow on the way to recovery
How can you handle grief and make your heart better prepared to deal with life in general? Here are ten tips that you might want to follow as you trek the long and winding road to recovery. Note that this list is by no means comprehensive: you can find other ways to heal yourself, and cope with your grieving heart.
1. Learn to let go of things that remind you of the person or situation.
Whenever someone is lost to us, or whenever we find ourselves in a situation of grief, we tend to hang on to things that remind us of what we have lost. This can be attributed to the human need for something to hang on to when all else is falling: it is the human need to hope for something when all the world seems hopeless.
If someone you love has died, you might want to keep a few mementoes of his or her stay on earth. However, you will need to let these things go little by little. By letting that photo, dress, or figurine go, you are also letting the person go, and letting the grief dissipate. Think: would the person have wanted you to waste your life pining away for him or her?
2. Write a gratitude journal.
By recognizing what things you can still be thankful for, you are also giving yourself a chance to see the rainbow through the rain clouds. Take any ordinary notebook or diary and make a commitment to write in it at the same time every day. List down five (or more) things that you are thankful for. They can be as simple as seeing a rose bloom, or great as getting a long vacation from work.
Make this a habit, until you learn to see the good things through the bad. A gratitude journal works wonders not only in allowing people to deal with heartbreak and grief. It can make all of us understand that there is more to life than misery and pain.
3. Blog about your experiences or write a diary.
Writing about your grief is one sure way of letting go of the pain. Unreleased pain can turn your heart into a festering wound: without air and a salve, the wound can go deeper, and will never heal. By writing an online diary, you can also get people to see how you feel; if your blog has a commenting or reply feature, people can also take the time to comfort you and make you feel better.
4. Engage in as many hobbies as you can.
By focusing on other things instead of your grief, you can find yourself healing faster.
5. Find a support group.
Talk your problems out, and listen to people with the same grief and problems as you. As many psychiatrists will tell you, talking always helps, and a support group can help show you the way to a faster recovery.
6. Don’t go it alone.
Do not refuse the help of your spouse, children, or friends as they try to comfort you. The more people there are around you, the fewer the chances you will have to concentrate on your grief.
7. Have a spiritual life.
Engage in prayer, or enroll in yoga or meditation classes. There are many ways to feed your spirit. By having a spiritual life, you can find strength and support in divine and unseen forces an important thing to consider when your friends and relatives are not around to support you.
8. Stay away from vices and addictions!
People in grief tend to turn to alcohol, drugs, and other vices to drown their sorrows away. Stay away from these! There’s so much more to life than empty addictions!
9. Don’t force the grief away.
Keep a mindset that gradual is good. The faster you get out of your grief, the easier it comes back. By keeping this mindset, you can recover better.
10. Help others.
Put up a foundation celebrating the goodness of your lost child or friend. Join a charitable organization. Work in outreach programs. If you open your heart to doing good, you can stay away from the debilitating effects of grief and put smiles on the faces of those who come in contact with your goodness. <<
Bill Urell MA.CAAP-II, is an addictions therapist at a leading drug addiction treatment center. He teaches healthy life styles and life skills. Tell your story! Visit: http://www.AddictionRecoveryBasics.com/ Pick up your Free Recovery Rolodex, Over 97 pages of self help and recovery tips, resources and links to enhance your life
My dad took his own life right before Christmas. I’ve been trying to help my Mother deal with her grief so haven’t had time for my own. Now it seems to be coming out in weird spurts. I’m feeling angry at my husband, my boss, even my girlfriends for no real reason. I feel like I just want to sleep, but my tension won’t allow me to sleep for longer than 2 or 3 hours at a time. I feel like I need to have a nervous breakdown, but I don’t have the time. I still have to go to work, take care of my son and husband, and be there for my mom. This article was helpful in opening my eyes to let me know I NEED to grieve. I know I need to talk about my dad, but I worry that people will get tired of hearing about it. Or they may think I should be getting over this by now. How can I explain I haven’t really begun to get over this yet? I really don’t want to sit and cry about it because I’m worried I won’t stop.
My dad took his life in april of 2009. I couldnt cry and cant remember most of the funeral. Just in the past few months Ive been going down hill with drinking, being depressed I cant stop thinking about him. Im starting to remember that day and I cant fucntion. I Used alcohol so I wouldnt feel anything, I thought I should be over it by now. But after 2 years Im loosing my mind, my work has suffered. Ive recently been released from the hospital for alcohol withdraws. I dont understand why? I started to think back lately as to my dads state of mind and his behavior. And I feel I know now what he was feelig the anxiety, depression, hoplessness…or maybe its just me. But before ending up in the hospital and going on that drinking binge. I was hoping to end it all. Drink myself to death. But Im still here and honestly dont know what to do with myself, I dont care about loosing my job or what im putting my mom through, and I want to care. I just feel so empty and hopeless right now.
JVLOPEZ[ GREIF OVER A SUICIDE IS VERY DIFFICULT TO DEAL WITH BELIEVE ME I KNOW,BOTH MY PARENTS COMMITTED SUICIDE MY FATHER WHEN I WAS 9 MY MOTHER WHEN I WAS 14, BUT DRINK OR DRUG ABUSE IS NOT THE ANSWER,DON’T HURT YOURSELF OR YOUR MOM ANYMORE THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE, REMEMBER YOUR MOM NEEDS YOU MORE NOW THAN EVER, SHE HAS ALREADY LOST A LOVED ONE IMAGINE HOW SHE WOULD COPE IF SHE WAS TO LOSE ANOTHER THROUGH SUICIDE NEVER MIND NATURAL CAUSES,AND PLEASE DONT TRY TO WONDER WHAT WAS GOING ON IN YOUR DADS HEAD THAT MADE HIM TAKE HIS LIFE,THE MAN THAT TOOK HIS LIFE THAT NIGHT WAS NOT YOUR DAD BUT A MAN WITH NO REAL THOUGHTS JUST A POOR DEMENTED SOUL,WHO COULD SEE NO OTHER WAY, YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO TURN YOUR LIFE AROUND AND GET BACK ON TRACK, THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE POSTED ON HERE SHOWS THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING/HELP TRY SITTING DOWN WITH YOUR MOM AND TALKING THE WHOLE THING THROUGH, YU WILL BE SUPRISED HOW BOTH OF YOU HAVE THE EXACT SAME THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT THIS SAD EVENT,IF YOU JUST TRY TO TAKE THINGS DAY BY DAY, DONT EVER FORGET YOUR DAD, BUT TRY TO THINK OF THE GOOD TIMES YOU ALL HAD TOGETHER, AND REMEMBER YOU HAVE A FULL LIFE TO LIVE,DON’T LOSE YOUR JOB YOU NEED YOUR JOB,YOU NEED TO BE POSITIVE ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE AND WHAT YOU CAN ACHEIVE
GO FOR IT AND MAKE YOUR MUM HAPPY AGAIN
GO FOR IT AND MAKE YOUR MOM PROUD OF YOU
I HOPE THIS POST CAN HELP YOU SEE THAT THERE IS LIFE AFTER GRIEF
LET ME KNOW HOW YOU ARE GETTING ON
MY EMAIL IS STEVIEMILNE@YMAIL.COM
Beth, My heart goes out to you. My mother died almost 20 years ago and I still feel the pain.
Since the circumstances of your Dad’s passing are personal to you, I would suggest you find a support group in your area (or perhaps online- Google: suicide survivor support groups)so that the people you talk to can empathize with you rather than sympathize. You might find some suggestions that help. I wish you the best.
Gary Geyer, Chief Editor ‘Let Life In’
Great article on grieving. As a widow of four years I have been through all of this, and support from family, friends or professonals is rated highly in my book. I journal every day in an effort to make more people aware of ways to get through grief to the other side. The other side just being resuming life in the best way possible for who we are now.
I just want to die too.
I just lost my husband to cancer after a tough year of battling it. We were together every step of the way. We were married almost 20 years. I feel so lost. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I can’t think straight. We had the perfect life. We were so in love. I don’t think I will ever feel happy again. I have always been an optimistic person but I see myself losing that and I wonder if it will ever come back? I hate going with my friends because I feel like I need to be ‘fun’. I have lots of loving support but seem to be strong around them. It’s when I’m by myself that I just struggle.
I just found out recently my wife of 19 years will not make it much longer. Caner throughout her body. We talk about it but I can’t even talk on the phone without losing it. Me and my wife have been together 24/7 for last 15 years driving team on a cross/country truck. I can’t see the end of the tunnel. I feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest. We have four grown kids and 11 grandkids. I’m trying to be strong for my wife and we are very religous but it’s just getting harder as things get worse. We are setting up hospice at home. We live in a house overlooking the lake. Have a large patio and am going to set up a bed so she set outside and read or whatever she wants to do. Deb, I will say an extra prayer for you. I know exactly what you are feelling. I just hope i can cope.
I lost my Wife of over 52 years on march 24th of 2009. She had never been sick a day in here life until on Feb 2nd, she had a Stroke of which she was immediatley rushed to Hospital where she stayed over 20 days and then into Rehab. She did great in Rehab and was again to say a few words. She then had antoehr Stroke on March 7th of which she never recovered. She was Intensive care form march 7 until the day she died, on March 24th. i was with ehre all thru this time adn would do ti all voer again. She was to me an Angel from teh date we met in July 1956. She was such an Angel that we married in Nov 1956 and there was never one single unhappy day with ehr all during this time.I knew form teh start she was the one for me and I knwo she dearly lvoed and adored me. Not once durign those 52 years did we ever raise our voices,lam doors or ever become angry. She was an ANgle in every sense of teh word “Angel” No one will ever take her palce with me-No One!!!!!
I lost my 15 yr. old son on 9-11-2008, due to methadone intoxication. The methadone was given to him by his friend, who’s mother is an ex- herion addict. I have 2 other children – Diana now 15 and Eric 20. My son would have been 16 three weeks after his passing.
Since then I have had to endure 2 of his birthday’s – as of today he would be 17. This past year I’ve had to be strong for my other children (I’m a single parent), and I’m barely hanging on. Everyday I wake up tired and depressed wishing the day would be over, because I feel it’s one more day closer to being with my son.
I know I shouldnt think this way, I have other children that need me, so I plug along with a smile planted on my face, so my children arent sad. They are getting better, but I feel I’m getting worse. I lock myself in a protective bubble and I cant see the light of day.
I know this is normal, but I beat myself up emotionally and think, come on your a strong person, you have raised three children on your own while working 3 jobs, you can do it. But I cant. I’m so sad I miss my baby boy.
My children are my strength, the one’s that I held in me, under my heart for nine months. I have never been much of an emotional person, now I cry at baby commercials, movies the news, you name it, my compassion for others and their pain – I feel.
I know I will heal in time, with god’s help and knowing my baby is watching over us. I just want to hear his voice or feel his kiss on my cheek on more time.
Thank you.
My Wife passed away March 24th,2009. each day i pray for God to take me so i can once again be with her in heave. She was an Angle here on earth as i am sure she is there in heaven. We were married over 52 wonderful years and nto oen single unhappy moment. each year with ehr became better and better and now she is gone for good. So, never take your Love one for granted-Please!
My mum has been fighting terminal cancer for 17 years started off as breast cancer, had a mastectomy and various other operations and treatments, now her fight is with lung cancer. To those who don’t know mum see a vibrant soul and to those who know her see the inner pain she is suffering. I couldn’t begin to express the pain of loosing someone suddenly or actually witnessing them finally going to a higher place, but the pain I feel when seeing my mum wither away through weight loss and the extreme tiredness and physical pain, being sick of seeing doctors and having treatments, they trial a new tablet or now it’s come to kemo where they’d said her phsycial being was too weak to cope. She so tired all the time but she’s a fighter. Only recently I have learned that the time is near and I find it so hard to be motivated. I am a spiritual person clairoydiant you might say and have received messages just prior to the awful news but I can’t bring myself to accept the inevitable. I know through my prior studies as a welfare worker that grief can begin before their death but that doesn’t make it any easier. My heart goes out to those who have lost a loved one, the pain is indescribable, I unfortunately have been finding solace with drink and smoking being a single mum I need space from my needy children but that is not meant to be. I pray everyday for comfort and peace not just for me but for my beautiful mum.
My husband passed away January 22, 2010 and my life haven’t been the same. We was married for six years but together for a total of eight years. When you seen him you seen me or visa versa. I loved this man dearly. I went to the store, only a forty minute stay and came back to find him unresponsive. After cat-scan was given he had an artery to burst in his brain, within seventy two hours he was gone. I push my self to work daily only to come home and stay in the house. I have always been an outgoing person but these days my mind just tells me to stay home. I have three daughters and I send them off from the house so I can just be alone. I miss my husband so much, I wish I could have just taken him with me to the store, maybe things would have been different.
My Husband took his life this past New Years Eve. The pain seems to be getting worse and worse and I am not sure how much more pain I can take. The whole in my heart is wider than the Grand Canyon. We had an argument before he took his life and my guilt is overwhelming. I love my children and Grandchildren but life seems so long now and I just don’t know how I can make it. We would have been married 48 years on March 25th. How long is this pain going to last?
Ann, I am in the same situation. My husband of 21 years just recently took his life. I have a son of 17 years old and we are helping each other the best we can under the terrible circumstances through this so very difficult time. We have support from family and friends. I have always been so independent that I sometimes find it hard to accept help from other people. I feel by asking people to do things for me I feel that I am a burden to them and my troubles. I am worried about my son as I am not sure how he is coping inside. We talk together and remember all the good times we had together as a family. And that helps alot. But at the end of the day the pain is so great that I have moments where I am so scared to look too far ahead as it stops me in my tracks and I then realise I have to live the rest of my life without my husband which I loved so very dearly. He was such a wonderful man
i lost my wife suddenly not even ill on fathers day 15 th june 2008 we where so very happy for 36 yrs of married and 41 yrs knowing her since she was 14 yrs old we have a wonderfle family 2 sons and daughter an dwe all love each other very much !! i go to my councillor each week the shock was so much i spent a yr running away from the grief in terror…and am now in some kind of trying to except it coming up to 2 yrs but the pain and empty void eats away at me sometimes if im doing ok a trigger will set me off again i feel i will never be happy again !!! thanks for the tips above i will the daily journal…..
john god bless you all xxx
Saying I lost my husband sounds like he is just missing and I will find him. I won’t. A ten step process won’t help. It’s exhausting pretending to my family and friends that I am fine. I’m not. There is no reason for me to be here. If one more person tells me I’m going to be fine I will implode. By telling me to let go of the things that remind me of him is telling me to make him disappear and I will not do that. He was everything and now there is nothing. There are no hobbies, support groups or journals large enough to make this easier. My husband is dead and all the love I felt is dead with him.
These are beautiful. To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness. Maintaining records daily in the form of a blog, of all things in our lives that we are grateful to be rewarding, as well as writer and reader. It helps to enrich your life as you can not even predict. Thanks, that one of the coping strategies.
I lost my mum to Pancreatic Cancer in 2006, I was still working my way around the pain of loosing her when my father dies on 13-06-2011. A day before his birthday. I don’t know how to react. How to be….normal? Is it normal? How do I deal with this? I don’t feel anything. I have given myself all the standard lines….it was meant to be…he is in a better place….he is with mum….but I don’t feel anything. I oscillate between anger at the world and all those people who have parents to guilt for not being there to crying uncontrollably…and yet at times I feel nothing at all..as if nothing happened….I want to scream…I want to be crazy and mad but I seem to be holding it in somewhere…and the emotions don’t seem to flow…. I can’t. I hate people giving my sympathy who have parents…NO YOU DONT KNOW HOW I FEEL!!!! I am dying inside of the pain of both my parents gone!!!!
We just lost our little girl last week and its just been so devastating to deal with. One minute she here running around and the next we found her dead on the street. Nobody knows if she was beaten or hit by a car. Everywhere we are reminded of her. We packed up her toys and bed nut still can’t put closure on this. The funeral was nice but one of the hardest things I’ve done. Still see her sweet face and think she just going to wake up. we thought we’d have a long and happy life to enjoy but tragically that didn’t happen. We’d give anything to have her back. Reading these steps helps to guide us but we’re in a fog. It seems sudden tragic deaths to someone young is harder than an older person who had a life to live with years. I’m back at work but it’s hard when someone brings it up. I keep thinking I’ll be stronger but I just fall apart. Time heals but it’s a slow slow process.
Cindy – I agree with much of what you are saying. While I don’t feel “I have no reason to be here” realistically that is probably true. I felt the same way about my husband of only six short years that you feel about yours. While I have slowly begun to “get rid of” some things, I have to chastise this article for suggesting getting rid of photos! Why in the world would anyone do that? Maybe no longer displaying them MIGHT help, but getting rid of them? No way. He was the most wonderful part of my entire life, I want to remember that handsome caring and loving man with the beautiful smile. Last year it was five years since he died and I finally did develop a few outside interests and am finding happiness in other things but it is not the same and nor will it ever be. Just trying to accept that. And it is hard. My wish for everyone on this site is to have peace. Someday.