By Dr. Joel Block

After having an intimate and passionate lovemaking experience, don’t leave! There’s desert, in the form of ‘afterplay.’

Afterplay describes whatever a couple does immediately following lovemaking, most often cuddling, caressing, and sharing intimate thoughts.

Stay with it!

This experience, described in my book, “Secrets of Better Sex,” may last no more than a few minutes before the partners go to sleep or get out of bed, but it is important to both men and women.

When a couple has experienced difficulty during sex, they often feel uneasy with each other afterward. Embarrassed or afraid to talk about what happened, or didn’t happen, they pull away from each other, both physically and emotionally. Other couples may use the time after good sex to ask favors of each other or work out a nonsexual issue between them.

Common distractions

Afraid of post-coital vulnerability, some men—and some women, as well—turn on the television or get up and fix something to eat or roll over and go to sleep immediately after orgasm. They are wasting a good opportunity to enhance the intimate bond.

Nancy’s experience

“I know mine is the familiar wifely complaint,” Nancy said. “After sex, my husband jumps out of bed, cleans himself, and then either comes back to bed and falls right to sleep or turns on the television and gets absorbed in Leno or Letterman. On Saturday night, he offers to fix us a snack. The sex is good, but I want a little cuddling afterward. I want him to hold me and say tender things. Why can’t he do that?”

Joe’s experience

Nancy’s husband, Joe, was also satisfied with their sex life. His only complaint about her was that she didn’t understand his need for space afterward. “Nancy feels like I’m rejecting her in some way, but I’m not,” he insisted.

When Joe understood how important afterplay was to Nancy, they reached a compromise. When he came back to bed after using the bathroom, he promised he wouldn’t turn on the TV or fall asleep for at least ten minutes. During that time he would hold; and she in turn promised she wouldn’t use the those intimate moments to say things he didn’t want to hear, such as reminding him he wasn’t doing his share of the household chores. To his surprise, he liked the cuddling.

Afterplay has become important to him as well. Joe and Nancy have also learned more about each other’s sexual desires and preferences by exchanging confidences as they lie contented in each other’s arms. They are now incorporating some of these desires into their lovemaking—desires that would have remained unexpressed if they hadn’t grown closer to each other during afterplay.

Taking a time out

There may be times, of course, when two people who care deeply for each other want nothing more than to roll to their opposite sides and sleep. Nearly everyone reaches a point in an intimate relationship when they just need to be alone for a while. And not every sexual encounter should play out the same way afterwards. Afterplay should not become another way to measure performance.

Afterplay tips

Some suggestions for sexy afterplay:

· Don’t use afterplay as a sexual postmortem. If something about the lovemaking does need to be discussed, do so at another time. Afterplay is not a platform for airing sexual grievances.

· Do express sexual feelings and thoughts you’ve not shared. Afterplay is a good time to share what you enjoy about the sexual interaction but feel too shy to point out during sex.

· Don’t bring problems into afterplay. It is not the time to discuss the checkbook. Nonverbal interaction such as cuddling strengthens closeness, as does the words, “I love you,” which have a special meaning in these tender moments. <<

Joel Block, Ph.D., is a psychologist and author of nearly twenty books on relationships and sexuality. His website is www.drblock.com and he can be reached at Joel@LetLifeIn.com