By Kim Kirmmse Toth
Empty Nest Syndrome is a feeling of great loss or sadness when a child leaves home to go to college or just to get out on their own.
If you are the child’s mother or mother figure, you may experience a true sense of loss, loneliness or even worthlessness. You may feel your job is over (its not!) and you child doesn’t need you anymore. (They do!)
For some, not being involved in your child’s everyday life and this is not just for mothers, but father too, may create a temporary identity crisis. You may find yourself depressed or anxious experiencing unaccountable tears or simply being highly emotional. You may wonder who you are and what are you worth, if not as a parent.
Believe it or not, this can truly be a significant and positive transition and period of growth for you!
Here are 5 secrets to ensure a healthy new life for you, without that much work:
1. Renew your marriage vows; if not literally then figuratively. It just might be time to remember why you are together and all the wonderful times you had before kids. Do a date night. Join a dance club or some activity that you both enjoy and can do as a couple. Now is the perfect time to re-create your partnership and enjoy the life you both deserve, together, without children. Ask your partner, set a plan together. How will you use this time together? Single? No problem! What can you do to enhance the relationships you do have, now that you have the time? Write it down. Now follow through.
2. Relish the time alone. You now have that peace and quiet that you have been wanting. Remember when they played their music too loud, their friends were too noisy and you wondered if there would ever be peace again? Well, there is, right now! What are you going to do? Read? Knit? Paint? How will you use your quiet time? Make a list.
3. Reignite or begin new friendships. Solitary pursuits are great, but you need people in your life also. Think about the friendships that might have gotten put on the back burner while you were raising your children. Contact them! Tell them you are much more available and wanting to renew the friendship you once had. You also might want to add new friends to the mix. Get yourself out there. Socialize. Sign up for classes. Learn a new language or learn more about computers. Classes are a great way to do something you love and meet new people at the same time. How are you going to branch out now? Make a list.
4. Broaden your horizons. Make your world bigger. When was your last
trip or vacation? You don’t have to go around the world, just get out of town. Expand your world view. Pick a place and go. Explore. Your children are making their world bigger just by leaving home. Now it’s your turn. Where are you going?
5. Find something meaningful and of value. Raising your children has been a full time job. It’s certainly been meaningful for both of you. Now they are gone and you need to replace that, you need another way to do your special work. What are your strengths? What are your skills? How can you use these to help others? Whether it’s through church, community, or more global, your gifts are needed. What are your special gifts? How are you going to us them?
Life is a journey. Not only are your children embarking on one, but so are you. Take a look at the big picture of your life. Having your children go off to lead their own lives is just one small piece. Consider this time of your life a step forward, a step in the right direction. You now have your very own life, so go lead it! <<
Kim Kirmmse Toth is a strengths based coach who works with boomers on transition. These may include re-crafting or re-careering so the work is a joy and not a dread. Go to www.redhotretirement.com and sign up for her free Top Ten Retirement Secrets!
2 users commented in " 5 Ways to Conquer Empty Nest Syndrome "
Follow-up comment rss or Leave a TrackbackI think these suggestions overlook one thing…that when our adult children move far enough away so that we don’t see them for very long periods of time, it is NOT about finding interests and hobbies. It is a grieving process. My son had moved back for a while and had a job and was going for his MBA when suddenly on Christmas day he told me that he was leaving because he had lost his job due to layoffs and thus his education was a no go as well. he left two days later on impulse and I have not seen him in over 6 months and doubt he will move anywhere close again. We always got along very well and so I grieve. I waited for 7 years for him to decide where he wanted to be and he said it was near us then withing three days , it was over. I am active and have lots to do. I am not bored nor did I veer think of myself only as a mother. I didn’t even have children until I was 34. When my sons (the other one lives 20 minutes away and I am fine with that)were in their young teens, I had to take care of my mom and my aunt and I feel I wasn’t mentally there as much as I wanted to be. I had no problem when they left for college but that first summer when my son did not come home at all,it began. So no, these suggestions won;t help. Been there, done that. I must grieve the loss of the society of my son (as the lawyers call it) and I must do the stages and if things change, it may start all over again. There is no way to avoid it. It is grief, not a lack of things to do. Since my husband knew my son was leaving and didn’t tell me, there is trust lost there as well. I have to deal with it. But let us not forget that we lose the association of our best friends and that means we grieve.
I know how you feel. I am going through something similar except my daughter hasn’t spoken to me in almost 7 months. She moved out, left a note in April and I haven’t seen her since. She’s 19, and we were fighting a lot before she moved out. I was having a hard time with the transition of her being a child to being an adult. I know she didn’t like my house rules. I miss her every day.
She went to live with her father. He and I don’t talk to each other. He helped her move out and no one was home. My daughter still visits my parents and talks to them. They have tried to get her to talk to me, but she won’t. So not only do I have empty nest syndrome, its compounded with my only child not speaking to me. We did have a great relationship until she graduated high school. All of a sudden she had this attitude “I’m 18, I’m an adult and I can do what I want.” I had to go through my first family vacation without her (my stepson lives with us) and that was so hard. I missed her on my birthday, and Mother’s day. I sometimes sit in her room and cry. It was hard enough she moved out, but she did it with no warning. I never got to say goodbye. I hope I see her for Christmas.
So I know what you are going through. Just try to keep yourself busy, join a club or some kind of activity. Go out with friends…I started taking night classes so that keeps me busy. Keep your spirit up, I blamed myself but realized that I have no control over this situation. She holds the cards, and hopefully one day she will be ready to see me again.
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