By Gary Geyer

Warning: Some parts of the following article are on the risque side. Not dirty, just risque. If you think this might not be your cup of tea, please don’t read it.

Bette Midler has always been in a class by herself. She sings, she acts and she puts on one heckova show.

Sophie Tucker

For those baby boomers out there who may be too young to have heard about, let alone remember, Sophie Tucker was an old time vaudeville performer, self proclaimed, “The last of the red hot mamas”. She was actually a big star and her act was, to say the least, bawdy (a word you don’t hear much anymore).Traditionally, Bette has always incorporated some “Sophie” into her shows.

So here are some of Bette’s best “Sophie” stories, gathered from the many Bette Midler fan sites on the web.

“I will never forget it you know? Doorbell rang the other day, answered the door and there was a delivery boy there with two dozen roses. I grabbed the card I opened it, it said “Love, from your boyfriend Ernie.” I was having tea with my girlfriend Clementine.
I said “Clementine, do you know what this means? For the next two weeks I’m gonna be flat on my back with my legs wide open.” Clementine says to me “What’s the matter, ain’t you got a vase?”

“I will never forget it you know? I was hangin’ out my laundry the other day, minding my own damn business, when my girlfriend Clementine leaned over the picket fence. She said to me, “Soph, how come you always know when to hang out your laundry, and don’t get stuck in the rain like the rest of us do?”
I said to her, “Clementine, it’s a perfectly simple disposition. When I wake up in the morning the first thing I do is roll over and look at my boyfriend Ernie. If it’s laying on the right, I know it’s going to be a sunny day. If it’s laying on the left, I know it’s gonna rain.”
Clementine said to me, “Soph, suppose it’s standing straight up in the middle?”
I said to her, “Clementine, who the hell wants to do laundry on a day like that anyway?”

“I will never forget it you know? I was in bed one night with my boyfriend Ernie and he said to me, “Soph, how come you never tell me when you’re having an orgasm?” I said to him, “Ernie, you’re never around!”

“I will never forget it you know? It was on the occasion of Ernie’s eightieth birthday. He rang me up and said, “Soph! Soph! I just married myself a twenty-year old girl. What do you think of that?”
I said to him, “Ernie, when I am eighty I shall marry me a twenty-year old boy. And let me tell you something Ernie: Twenty GOES INTO eighty a heckova lot more than eighty GOES INTO twenty!”

“I will never forget it you know? It was on the occasion of my eightieth birthday. My boyfriend Ernie bought for me a tombstone, and on that tombstone he inscribed: HERE LIES SOPH. COLD AS USUAL. Not being one to take that kind of thing lying down, I went out and bought Ernie a tombstone, and on that tombstone I had inscribed: HERE LIES ERNIE–STIFF AT LAST!

“Sometimes I like to go to the doctor myself. There’s nothing wrong with me, I just enjoy the stirrups. One time I came home from a FABULOUS check up. I said “Ernie, guess what? The doctor said I have the constitution of a 20 year old girl. He says I have the heart, lungs, and liver of a 20 year old girl.”
Ernie looked me up and down. He said “Hey, did he mention your 80 year old ass.”
I said “No, we didn’t talk about you!” <<