By Roy Klein

Most people hate hospitals so much that they wouldn’t be caught dead in one. Not me. In fact, nothing makes me happier than being a hospital patient for a few days. It’s one of my favorite places on earth. Here’s why:

Comfy positions

First of all, your every need is taken care of. They even bring your food right to your bed. And what a bed it is! One of those fancy ones that you can move into all sorts of comfy positions with just the push of a button. Where else can you get one of those? And if you’re too sick to eat, they feed you intravenously to make sure you’re still getting those essential nutrients. How thoughtful!

Bedpan business

Too weak to walk? No problem. You don’t even have to get up to go to the bathroom. Sometimes, if you’re really sick, they put tubes in you to remove your waste products for you (they really pay attention to every detail). Otherwise, they give you a bedpan so you can do your business right there. They’ll even draw your curtain to give you privacy. Oops, missed the bedpan? So what? Just call for help and - at no extra charge - they’ll clean the bed (and you). Presto! Crisp, fresh sheets.

Complimentary nightgowns

If you have an appointment to go somewhere - like for an invasive, embarrassing test - they put you in a wheel chair (or, sometimes, a gurney) and off you go. You don’t ever need to log on to Mapquest.com for directions. And you never have to worry about what to wear for such meetings. Just throw on one of their complimentary nightgowns. They open in the back for quick and convenient access to those hard to reach body parts.

Temperature, pulse, blood pressure and much more

And everyone’s so concerned with your well being. They take your temperature, pulse and blood pressure every couple of hours, something you probably don’t do for yourself for months “on the outside.” They keep testing your blood and urine. Your doctor visits once a day, just to find out how you’re doing. This is the same guy you normally get to see once a year, usually two months after calling for an appointment.

All this medical attention makes me feel very confident and secure about my health.

Early to bed and early to rise (5 a.m.)

The hospital folk believe in Ben Franklin’s credo, “Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” So they make sure to wake you at 5:00 a.m. (often to give you a sleeping pill). Then it’s lights out by 8:00 p.m. But don’t worry about being bored during the day. You have your own remote control color television and your own phone. And the librarian comes by regularly to offer you books or magazines to read.

“I was in the hospital last month - don’t bother me.”
While in the hospital, you don’t have a care in the world. Your family, friends and employers expect nothing of you. After all, you’re sick. This good will sometimes lasts for weeks after you’ve gotten out: “Don’t bother him with it, he was in the hospital last month.”
Good news: hardcore drugs

If you’ve had surgery, you’re extra lucky. Because you’ll be in horrible pain. And that means one thing. Drugs. Hardcore drugs. The kind you could never hope to get on the street, at least not legally. It just doesn’t get better than that.

Best of all -everything is FREE

But wait. Here’s the best part. If you have decent health insurance, your hospital stay could cost you absolutely nothing. It’s like getting a free vacation at a five star resort! Simply amazing.

Minor complaints

Of course, nothing’s perfect. The food choices could be a little more diverse. The TVs could be equipped with premium cable and pay per view. And it sometimes takes a while to get used to the sounds and smells emanating from your roommate.

Closest thing to heaven

Still, a hospital stay is probably the closest thing to heaven on earth. That’s why the nurses wear those white uniforms with the funny hats that look like wings with halos. No wonder people call them angels.

Then again, this could just be the Demerol talking. <<

For other humorous articles by Roy Klein visit his website www.RoyKlein.com. For further information on Roy visit the websites for his law practice (Loorak.com) and his arbitrator/mediator practice (Limacs.org).