By Deborah Nedelman, Ph.D and Leah Kliger, MHA

It used to be so easy. You’ve been together for a long time (could it really be more than 30 years?) and sex has generally been a reliable, carefree part of your relationship. Things have begun to change though, and it’s getting you down.

What’s your vision of your future sex life?

For many people the idea of lowered desire, less frequent sex, and an inevitable slide toward the platonic characterize their picture of what old age brings to a marriage. Such an expectation can make you depressed and discouraged. We certainly know that depression can lead to lowered desire and less frequent sex, and this just reinforces our fears.

Turning vision into reality

On the other hand, if your picture of the future of your sex life includes increased emotional intimacy and creativity, along with exploration of sensuality at a more leisurely, less driven, pace, then you may actually look forward to the next phase of life.

Making this vision a reality, though, does take some work. The most important step you can take to ensure that sex remains a positive connection between you and your mate is to begin talking about what is happening to you.

Consider this cautionary tale:

Martha and Howard have been married for 30 years when he begins to sense that she is less interested in sex. They aren’t used to talking about their sexual life, but he is confused and worried; he is beginning to notice changes in his erections too. “I’m not the man I used to be, of course she’s not attracted to me anymore,” Howard tells himself.

Martha is conscious that it takes her longer to get aroused and that she doesn’t lubricate as readily as she used to, so intercourse has become uncomfortable. Martha thinks “What can I say that won’t hurt Howard’s feelings? It’s probably not worth bringing the whole thing up.”

So she doesn’t say anything about how she’s feeling and she’s just as glad that Howard seems to have lost his drive. Over time there is less and less physical contact between them. Without the soothing bond that touch promotes, Martha and Howard slowly drift apart. It isn’t startling or dramatic, but it is sad and lonely. Especially since this cycle is preventable.

Here’s a peek into another home:

Janice and Arnie have been together since college.

They never developed a habit of talking about sex because it didn’t seem necessary – they always felt they understood each other’s needs. Now, at 60, Janice is still attracted to Arnie, but she’s not so eager to make love; her hip gives her some pain and she gets hot flashes when she’s too close to anyone.

Arnie is slowing down a bit himself. He still enjoys a good game of golf, but when he gets in bed, he drops right off. He has begun to miss their sexual contact, but Janice seems glad that they don’t touch as much.

One Saturday morning, over coffee, Arnie puts down the paper and looks lovingly across the table at Janice “I know we’re getting older, honey, I don’t know how you feel, but I still want to be close to you. You know you still turn me on.”

“Oh, Arnie, I love you. I’m so glad you said something. I’ve wanted to talk about this, but didn’t know how to start.” It took courage, but Arnie opened an important door in their relationship which eventually led to the two of them exploring new ways to stay sexually connected.

Talking about sex is new territory for many couples, but what may apply to old dogs is not valid for people. Learning new tricks at this age can be highly rewarding.

Tips for starting the conversation with your lover, partner, spouse:

1. Recognize that this is not a 1-time-only conversation; you’re just opening up the topic so that it can become comfortable to talk about over time. After all, we know that your level of desire will ebb and flow over time – you want your partner to understand that too. Be realistic, not idealistic. And, above all, keep your sense of humor.
   
2. Pick a time when you are both relaxed. Many couples have found that having a conversation about their sexual desire when they are in bed makes the topic too loaded and more difficult. That bedroom environment can add pressure to the discussion by implying ‘things need to change, so let’s do it (or not do it) right now.’ Consider an alternative surrounding, such as on the couch over a glass of wine, or while taking an after dinner stroll.
   
3. Let your partner know that you care about your relationship. Many people express concern about hurting their partner’s feelings if they talk about the changes in their own sexual desire. The fear is that he (or she) will blame himself (herself) for any decrease in passion.

Those reactions are much more likely if your partner feels insecure about the stability of your relationship in general. Make a reassuring statement about your feelings for your partner. It can be a buffer against hurt.

Accept the challenge

Once we’re beyond 50, meeting the challenges of changing sexual desire in an intimate relationship means taking the time to talk, listen and learn about each other. <<

Deborah Nedelman, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist, and Leah Kliger, MHA, is an assistant clinical professor at University of Washington